


Roots, Bulbs, and Other Peculiar Occurences

by Snips_Snails_Skittles



Category: Band of Brothers, The Agency (TV 2001)
Genre: F/M, I promise the OCs aren’t that big of a deal, Just read it you fools you know you want to, Leskip, Lex is a plant witch, M/M, Mucklarkey, Multi, PTSD, Petunia - Freeform, Skip is a familiar, The plants are characters, There’s some uhhhhh guilt, Zinnia, aster - Freeform, flashbacks y’all don’t read if it’s not your tea, he’s still a little shit don’t worry, lily - Freeform, witch!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-29 23:07:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 28,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17817272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snips_Snails_Skittles/pseuds/Snips_Snails_Skittles
Summary: In the cozy witchtown of Drumchapel, Lex lives peacefully as the owner of a garden shop. But when an impossible being stumbles into his life, he finds that there are dangerous things in the safest of places.Read more for moody parasitic trees, someone that shouldn’t be able to be a dog, Joshua’s ugly rainbow pants, millennial-owned stores, the 1940s, a coven with thirty entire people, the very definition of political corruption, forbidden love, stolen magic, and plant Godzilla.Immediate warning: There is violence in this. There is also graphic flashback material and war mention as well as the mention of a character death. Nothing that you wouldn’t see in a marvel movie, except for the gay part, but if this stuff triggers you I will NOT feel bad about missing that hit. Take care of yourselves, my darlings.





	1. Infernal Canines and Curious Petals

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! So this is my contribution for the Non-Gabe Rich Big Bang! Art done by @lyselkatz and @thedogsled on tumblr- go check out their work and reblog ALL of it because we’re supporting artists this year and because they TOTALLY deserve it for putting up with my stupid ass.

**This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.**

  
  
  


There was a little blue house on Cook Street, between a green one and a gray one. The green house was considerably bigger than the other two and belonged to young Mrs. Lois Petal and her wife, Mrs. Agatha Petal. The owner of the blue house saw neither of them, ever, they were both involved in witchcraft, and were the High Priestesses of a very large coven of maybe thirty entire people. 

Covens never had as many as thirty entire people. It was rumored that one coven in the year 360 BC had twenty-nine and three-quarters people, but that had been the biggest one, so the Petal coven was the talk of the town most days and its biggest attraction by far. 

The gray house was the smallest and belonged to an elderly witch by the name of Hubert Winfrey. Hubert Winfrey owned seventeen normal cats, all of them black with green eyes. 

   The special thing about Hubert Winfrey was that his eighteenth black cat with green eyes was his familiar, Susan. Familiars, or animal companions, were very rare indeed, and they only sought after the most accomplished and powerful witches. At least one person saw Mister Winfrey and Susan at regular intervals, as the older witch always came out to smoke at the same time that the owner of the blue house went out to water his plants. 

   And the blue house, in the middle of the green house and the gray house, belonged to Lex. Lex, compared to the Petals and Mister Winfrey, was relatively unremarkable. He was smart, sure, and he owned a little flower shop on the corner of Bryant and Beard, and he dabbled in “botany”, but that was pretty much it. 

Everyone who had ever lived in Drumchapel ever was a witch, with one exception. Even the animals were sometimes witches, in the case of Susan. And Lex, despite being unremarkable, was not the exception. Hence the quotation marks around botany. It’s not botany if you cheat. 

 

It was a hot July day, and the ashes were still settling from the celebrations of Independence Day and the holiday Litha, which had occurred in June. When one was in the possession of the most peculiar arcane magic, like the man who sat in City Hall, Robert Quinn, one had the tendency to occasionally, well, set off fireworks a lot. Especially when he snored. The man had rebuilt his home five times, which no one dared talk about.

And as for magic, there are many different kinds of witches, you know. Lex, our protagonist, was a hedgewitch. Hedgewitch was the term, which he hated because it made him seem like a recluse (which he was), so his preference on a term leaned towards green witch, which had the added benefit of being far more descriptive of his work. And Lex, the green witch of Cook Street and owner of The Patchwork Bouquet, loved plants. He loved them. They were his best friends, which said something about his home life. 

The little blue house (which should be considered a character in its own right) was a hodge-podge of everything in terms of decor, from paneled walls that devolved into wallpaper to three different colors of paint in one room alone to antique and modern furniture all in the same place. One room’s walls were covered in shag carpeting. Plants hung everywhere, were on shelves everywhere, and a few even inhabited the burned out light bulbs that Lex had no energy to replace, swinging around on their fixtures. Moss crept up one wall in the dining room, and visitors had to duck everywhere they went lest they get hit by swinging baskets full of sentient greenery. It wasn’t nearly as insane as Lex’s sister’s place, the inhabitant of which lived in an apartment, was a painter, and had a strange love for hiding secret compartments in literally everything. Her name was Terri Lowell, and their father’s name was Joshua Nankin, and they all had different names because they were in no way related by blood. But they were family, and that was rather important. At least it was to them.

Livia had been part of that once. She had been Lex’s girlfriend (operative word: had), but since she wasn’t a witch and was rather abusive, Lex had left her three years ago. She was promptly hired by one Miss Natalie Buell, a woman from a nearby witchtown named Hale who worked for Drumchapel’s city hall. Due to her quick action, Livia was thus, regrettably, not ejected from Drumchapel due to her magiclessness. Lex had worn black for a week, to the chagrin and humor of his not-quite-relatives. 

And that was all that there was for a very long time, at least, all that anyone could see or speak of. Lex, Terri, Joshua, the Petals, Mister Quinn, Mister Winfrey, Susan, Livia, and Miss Buell. 

 

But nothing stays the same forever. Sometimes things appear to us that will drastically shape our lives. Sometimes they are in very small, dog-shaped packages. Sometimes, you barely even notice that they exist until everything is upside down and you’re in the center of it with them, quite turned around and disoriented. 

 

Lex woke up that fateful July morning like he always did. Cranky. Without his early morning shots of caffeine, life seemed dismal and foreboding. He trudged downstairs, still in his nightclothes, and was greeted by Lily, who snaked around his ankle in a gentle, tender hello. Lily was his favorite, and she was a wisteria vine. His first, best friend. Lex loved the irony of naming a wisteria vine Lily, and since then had done his best to name all of his houseplants and garden plants after what they were not, just to be difficult to anyone who didn’t know him well.

 

“Good morning, Lily,” he declared to the wisteria vine, who bloomed a little to tell him the same. “Petunia, if you please.”  Petunia, who happened to be a strangler fig, wrapped around his waist and lifted him up and into the kitchen. Lex’s house was two stories with no stairs, merely a person-sized gap in the middle of the floor in the second level. Lex had designed this house himself because it was useless to kill trees for stairs if the plants would lift you up and around instead. They loved doing it, it made them feel powerful. The result was a sort of mystical symbiosis. 

Everything in the house sustained itself. The stove was run on ethanol made from the corn plants in the back of the house and on the roof. Eventually, like everything else, the plants would consume this place. Lex anticipated that time greatly. Barrier magic along his perimeters prevented any spreading of foreign species. Sunflowers towered over the tiny garage. Vines had already almost completely covered the shed. Everything was ready, and Lex became rather content when he thought about it. In maybe a hundred years, his house would look like something from the black lagoon. Perfect. 

“What are you in the mood for today, Zinnia?” Zinnia, who was a chicory, only had 21 petals, but one could generally get her message. The fifth petal held itself down, and then the seventh, and then the seventh again. “Eggs? Nice choice.” Zinnia nodded her flower and then decided to check out Lex’s bedhead with a spiraling tendril of leaves.

A cup of coffee was brewed and the eggs were set to fry, Lex humming as he walked around the little room. His kitchen wasn’t very big, but it was homey, and he loved it. A plate was loaded with the eggs and two slices of toast. Lex grabbed his coffee, heading to the hole in the floor. “Petunia?” She came up, a little petulantly, grabbing him and squeezing him reproachfully before setting him gently on the ground. He hadn’t said ‘please’. She tended to get moody in July. “Much obliged.” He touched her closest branch, and a purple glow spread up through her branches. A little extra dose of magic, to keep everyone happy. The witch headed into the dining room and sighed, hanging his head.

“Don’t be like that, Aster, I need a chair. Give it back.” Aster was the wildly energetic spider plant that Lex had bought on a whim, and was constantly carrying himself around on his long leaves, which he used like legs. The little brat was also always leaving doubles of himself everywhere, and Lex could really only deal with one Aster, so the babies went to the flower shop. Aster didn’t seem to mind, although he did have brief depression spells after the latest batch of hyper spider plant babies were sent to be given away. The witch lifted the plant off of his favorite chair, set him down, and watched him scuttle away in a huff. “Be like that, then,” he called, pulling the chair up to the table and sitting down for breakfast. 

 

After his extensive grooming routine and daily rant about how his shirts always seemed to be far too big for him, dammit, Lex was off to work on his bike as hundreds of leaves waved goodbye to him. 

 

The Patchwork Bouquet was the small, pretty little shop on the corner of Bryant and Beard that Lex had owned since he was just a very small little witchling. It was quaint and tidy inside, at least far tidier than his own home, with little chalkboard signs advertising the plants and their names and reclaimed string tied around each pot. A millenial sort of shop. He had free coffee in the corner. Why suffer?

That specific day, several interesting things came around. Only one of them really mattered. But there’s still no harm in documenting the things that didn’t. For example, a  non-magic family had stopped by his shop. They had puttered in, looking quite confused while Lex watered the new batch of tulips that had he sprouted in his garden that day and were already blooming beautifully. 

“Excuse me,” the father asked, his tone conveying that Lex was clearly a third-class citizen as he walked up to the counter. “I’m afraid this town wasn’t on the map, can you tell me how to get to the nearest city?”

“Oh… so you’re lost. That never happens here, generally if you’re the right kind of person the roads will just lead you where you need to go,” Lex replied cryptically. The mother huffed. She reminded the witch of Livia, or maybe the kind of WASP who shouted at hapless Walmart employees. There were reasons that he didn’t like people with superiority complexes, magical or non-magical. The father’s Ken doll-esque beach blonde hair thing was getting pretty old too. Next he knew, Joshua would be getting it. 

“So I need to buy a flower for you to tell me,” the mortal snapped. “You can’t ask for help anywhere these days without opening your wallet.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t sell to the likes of you,” Lex replied, quite fed up with his tone. He was starting to get flashbacks to three years ago. 

“Excuse me?”

“Oh, don’t act so offended, you didn’t want to buy from me anyway. Not really. It’s like buying a pet.” The tulip’s leaf curled around his hand in reassurance. “These plants are prenamed. They’re my babies. Would you like to adopt?” A pause while Lex’s harasser stood, stricken dumb. “Of course not, you’re the sort that can barely find the time or will to water a  _ succulent _ sufficiently.” The witch groaned a little, looking at his feet. Exasperation never took a holiday when it came to mortals. “The interstate is just off Main Street, look for the sign that says ‘Leaving Drumchapel’.” 

“Thank you?” It was a query more than it was thanks, and then they left. 

“Assholes,” Lex told his tulips. They nodded their agreement, and he went back to his watering. 

 

Nothing stays the same forever. He happened to glance out of the window. 

 

Sitting across the street by a lamp post was a smallish golden retriever puppy. Lex stared at it. It seemed to be staring back at him. 

“Go away,” he told it like it could hear him outside of the shop, across the street. It didn’t move. The witch sighed, turning back to the tulips. Surely it would leave eventually, puppies got bored like children did. 

At least that was what he thought. The damned dog sat there  _ staring at him  _ for  _ three entire hours.  _ Lex was steadily going insane by the end of those three entire hours, having shouted at the thing and all but chased it off with a broom. 

He looked out the window just at the three hour mark. The fucking puppy was still there. 

 

Lex had never been more annoyed in his life. 

 

The dog lolled its head to the side and stuck its stupid tongue out. The witch flipped it off and went to tend his poor begonias, who hadn’t been deadheaded in a day. 

 

Abigail Garter bought three trays of the new order of Hexed Tulips and one of the Petal wives came by to pick up an order of dried wormwood that she had sent in for. It was the first time Lex had seen her in months. She did not recognize him. Lex was too incensed with the puppy to care. 

Strange things happened in the town of Drumchapel. One gradually got used to it. What one did  _ not _ get used to, however, was disliking dogs and then having one  _ follow you home.  _ Because that is exactly what the foul little puppy did. 

Lex hated dogs with a vengeance. This was because some hyperactive cocker spaniel had tried to bite his face off when he was seven and had then decided to pee on him. It had been humiliating. The green witch was known for holding legendary grudges, but his vendetta against all things canine ran bone deep. There was an insult there that he believed could never be mended. So when he had a puppy whining at his door and scratching it, hatred ran through his veins in such a violent torrent that even Lily, his favorite, shied away from him in botanical fear. 

“Go away!” he told the dog, opening the door and slamming it in its little furry face, hoping that that would make it go away. 

The dog did not go away. The next morning Lex got up, and checked to see if the dog was still there. 

It was. He grumpily made his breakfast and ate it, and then checked to see if the dog was still there. 

It was. He got ready for work and walked out the door, waving goodbye to his plants. 

There was the dog. 

“Leave, already,” he shouted at it. The dog did not leave. 

 

Over the course of the next few days, Lex went through the five stages of grief and eventually accepted the fate of having a (rather adorable) completely annoying and pesky puppy following him around. It slept outside, he didn’t know what on earth the little reprobate ate, but at least it had the dignity and self-preservation not to pee in his garden. 

It took another week of puppy-shadowing for Lex to let it inside.

 

It was raining. It was also August. The sheets of water poured down like the gods were finally dumping their water barrels in preparing for winter, and Lex sat inside, comfy and cozy with a cup of coffee and Oscar Wilde when he heard a forlorn howling outside of his house. He slammed the book shut, storming over to the door and opening it angrily, ready to give that unholy creature a piece of his mind. 

The puppy always seemed unusually cheerful. It followed Lex around, trotting and panting and wagging. But now its ears were down, it’s head was lowered, and its tail didn’t thump happily on the ground like it always did. And it was shivering. 

“Bastard,” he told it. The puppy looked up and him and howled mournfully. Lex’s resolve to let it die of pneumonia broke. 

“I’ll go get a towel,” he announced  exasperatedly, closing the door and returning with one of his gardening towels that had recently been through the wash. “Come here. Um… come.” The puppy trotted over to him as the rain beat down on it. Lex wrapped it in the towel like he was bagging up radioactive substance and picked it up, carrying it inside. Plants cautiously brushed against the now happy, wiggling bundle as Lex rushed it into his bathroom and plopped it into the tub. 

“Stay here or you’re going outside again.” The puppy sat down, wagging and panting its little pants of unbridled, unrequited joy. Lex got up and quickly got lifted into his library. Sitting down at his computer, he quickly typed in “starter dog care.” Hearing whimpering from the bathroom, Lex quickly jumped down with some help from Petunia and went to the puppy, reaching out to rub it behind the ears awkwardly. It licked his wrist. 

“Okay,” he said awkwardly. Maybe puppies dried at a faster rate than anything else, how would Lex know? But the little demon dog was completely water-free. “Let’s go look up what you’re going to eat tonight.” He picked the puppy up. It licked his face. “Please don’t do that, I don’t know if you’re diseased.” There was a sort of disappointed sound from the pup and it drooped, looking sad. Could dogs even make disappointed sounds? “Okay, fine. I give up. You win. I’ll just… get rabies or some shit, it’s fine.” There was a happy yip, and the witch carried the dog into the living room. “Petunia?”

Branches snaked around his waist and Lex lifted up into the kitchen, smirking when there was a confused ‘roo?’ from the dog. “Okay, can you go down? You’re going down.” Lex sat the puppy down and started to rifle through his refrigerator. 

“Beef, cottage cheese, carrots, spinach… Stop!” It was tugging on his pants leg. “Okay, do you want to eat or not?” A furry little head tilted to the side and the puppy sat down, lifting up a paw. “What does that mean?” Lex asked, frustrated. “What are you trying to say? I’m making you food, don’t be like that.” In hindsight, he should have figured that a stray dog wouldn’t understand complex English sentences, but Lex barely interacted with any humans, let alone animals. The beef was cooked, the food was thrown together, and Lex picked the dog up and lifted everything down to his chair. The bowl of dog food was set down and the puppy started to scarf it down.

“Slow down, you’ll give yourself heartburn,” Lex said mildly, opening his book again and sipping his coffee. The pup was already done by this time and decided that this was the prime time to jump up onto Lex’s chair and curl up next to him. “Hey, who told you that you could be up here?”

_ “Rowr?” _ Another head tilt.

“We’re going to have to establish some ground rules,” Lex said firmly, tapping the puppy on the nose. It licked his hand. “You can’t be up on the-” The dog snuggled in, rolling onto its back and kicking its little legs in the air. It closed its eyes. Lex sighed in the sort of longsuffering, you’re-trying-my-patience manner that only the true saints have and acquiesced. “Fine.” A happy little yip and then it fell asleep. 

 

As Lex tried to focus on his poetry, he thought of the warm little ball of fur curled up next to his leg. This golden retriever seemed fairly sentient, for a dog. Lex would have almost considered the possibility of it being a familiar, and then remembered. Dogs were never familiars. Dogs were pets. Maybe he had just gotten a smart dog to follow him around and eat his food. 

Goodie. 

The witch yawned, closing his book and taking another sip of his coffee, which had grown cold. A quick incantation heated it up again and he sat, sipping and listening to the rain do his job for him, at least when it came to watering. 

 

When it was finally time for bed, Lex got up from his chair. While his recliner was quite comfy, he didn’t feel like sleeping in it tonight. This roused the puppy, who sat up and wagged. 

“No. Sleep on the couch. I can’t deal with you twenty-four seven.” The wagging stopped and the puppy’s ears drooped. It gave him a sad look. “Okay! Okay. I have to set limits here, I’m the witch and you’re the dog.” Lex had never seen a dog pout before. He was fairly sure that they couldn’t do that, but this one somehow managed it. “I’ll give you a blanket and you can sleep on the couch. It’s a comfortable couch, do you have a problem with my couch?” The dog hopped off the chair and onto the couch, settling down and making a face at him.

Something was going off in Lex’s head, a little kind of warning bell, but he ignored it. This was probably perfectly normal for a dog, right? ...Right? Whatever. The witch fetched the blanket, bid goodnight to his plants, and patted his new dog _ …?!?! _ on the head. And from there, he went to his room and promptly fell dead asleep after a few minutes of dicking around with Tetris on his phone. 

Lex slept surprisingly well, waking up in an actual genial mood. The witch’s phone vibrated and he rolled over, grabbing it and looking blearily at the screen. 

 

**[Text: Lil Sis]** _ Can I come over?  _

 

**[Text: Me]** _ Sure, I guess. Bring Joshua, I’ll make curry or something.  _

 

**[Text: Lil Sis]** _ Does tomorrow work?  _

 

**[Text: Me]** _ Go nuts. I just have to puppy-proof the house.  _

 

**[Text: Lil Sis]** _ You got a DOG!?  _

 

**[Text: Me]** _ Gtg busy _

 

**[Text: Lil Sis]** _ Lex!!! Get back here, I know you’re not busy! _

 

**[Text: Me]** _ No, Terri, I’m not shitting u, there’s a huge plant godzilla, bye _

 

**[Text: Lil Sis]** _ LEX!! _

 

Lex sighed, turning his phone off and walking into the living room. He said hello to Lily, giving her another shot of magic and yawning. It was only when he looked up that things went to hell.

There was a naked man asleep on his sofa. 


	2. Family, Ex-Family, and Family-to-be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lex meets Skip for real, and Livia shows up at the shop.

Lex screamed. 

The man woke up.

He screamed as well. 

The end result was two grown men, one clothed with his plant trying to hide from him and the other, naked, pressing himself against the far arm of the couch, screaming at the clothed one. Things were obviously not going anywhere until someone learned how to function. That someone was Lex, who had an entire arsenal of plants at his disposal. 

“Petunia!” Lex screeched, clenching his left hand into a fist. In came the strangler fig, lifting the naked man off of the couch and effectively tying him up, wrapping branches around his arms and legs and groin because  _ oh gods there’s a  _ naked _ man in my house, what the seventh ring of hell? It’s too early for this bullshit…  _

“Holy-” the man yelped in pain, struggling. Lex squeezed his fist and Petunia curled tighter, making him gasp. 

“Who are you, and why are you in my house?!” Lex shouted, and the intruder wheezed, bowing his head. 

“Please… let… go…” 

“Tell me! Where’s my dog?!” 

“I’m the dog!” Lex opened his hand. Petunia dropped the man and he fell heavily, landing on the moss and yelping again. 

“Prove it,” Lex responded coldly, and the man- his dog-  _ what even was he? _ looked up, clearing his throat. 

“Look, buddy, your freaky tree almost just crushed my ribs, can you give me a break?”

“Prove. It.” 

“Okay, okay, jeez. Points for being hard-boiled, I guess.” He sat up and changed with a flicker of blue smoke and a crackle like wood bursting in a fire. Suddenly there was the puppy that Lex knew, sitting there rather sheepishly. Lex’s breath caught in his throat and Lily curled around his leg reassuringly. 

“You’re a-” 

“Familiar.” The man was sitting there again, biting his lip and looking up at Lex. “What, you all torn up about it?”

“Dogs aren’t familiars,” Lex snapped.

“And here I am.” The man offered him an easy grin and Lex, for some reason, was quite peeved about it. He frowned. 

“Do you have any clothes?” 

“Nope. And no offense, little fella, but I don’t think your duds will fit me.” Lex smiled politely. 

“Excuse me, what the fuck are you saying?” 

“I said no offense.” He seemed like a genuinely nice guy. Too bad Lex was hardly in the mood to deal with _people that he didn’t know that were in his house._

“What are ‘duds’?”

“Uh… clothes. You’re kinda tiny.” Petunia moved forward and the familiar raised his hands in surrender, edging away from her. “I mean that in the best way possible, of course! You’re small. Cute. Pocket-sized.” 

“You’re not helping your situation. My shirts will definitely fit you. Scoot, or I’m kicking you out naked.” 

“I-... uh… what’s your name?” Lex narrowed his eyes. 

“You’re stalling.”

“I just… want to know who my new witch is.” A sheepish smile and a rubbing of the back of the head. 

“I am  _ not _ your new witch. I don’t want a familiar. Don’t you have to sign a lot of paperwork? I hate paperwork.” 

“You took me in, you’re my witch.” The smile turned into some megawatt shit that left Lex dazed. “Come on, fella, it’s just a name.” The witch sighed heavily, biting his lip. 

“I’m… My name is Lex.”

“Hi, Lex! I’m Skip.” 

“So do all familiar names start with S or is this just some fluke?” 

“Oh, no. I knew this one cute chick who went by the name Louise. B’sides, a human woman named me. We all start somewhere.” Lex frowned. Familiars usually weren’t human originally. This was all very, very strange. 

“So was Louise a chick or a...um… a chick? You’re not making sense.”

“She was both! Well, a hen, she was a hen, theoretically. Very sweet. Pretty. Liked corn.” Skip grinned that same smile that had Lex reaching some sort of nirvana, if nirvana was the Kurt Cobain type and involved being Dazed and Confused. “And she was super nice!” 

“Good to know,  _ please _ go get dressed. If I wanted a Playboy, I would have gotten it somewhere else.” He was cute, though. Lex inhaled and looked away, berating his traitorous mind. Not fair. Absolutely not fair. He hadn’t been even vaguely attracted to anyone since Livia, and here was this impossible familiar, finally catching his eye. Dammit. 

Petunia lifted him up into the kitchen and for the first time since forever, Lex cooked for himself and someone who wasn’t Terri or Joshua. Or Livia. He crossed himself. “What do you think, Zinnia?” The chicory plant raised the eighth petal, the fifth petal, and then the nineteenth petal. A pause. Then, the third petal, the twenty first petal, the twentieth petal, and the fifth petal again. “He is  _ not.  _ Shut your mouth.” Zinnia waved her flowers back and forth, which was the equivalent of her laughing. “Fuck you.” 

There was a loud shout and a dressed Skip flew through the air and landed on the floor next to Lex in the kitchen, Petunia whipping her branches angrily at him and withdrawing. 

“Holy- !”

“You scared her,” Lex commented dryly. “Petunia is sensitive.”

“She’s a fuc- she’s a tree!” Skip squeaked. 

“She’s a strangler fig. You scared her. Apologize.”

“I don’t like the name ‘strangler fig’,” Skip muttered, dangling his feet off of the edge of the hole in the floor. 

“Neither does she. That’s why she’s Petunia.” Skip waved awkwardly to the strangler fig, smiling at her.   
“Sorry, Petunia.” Petunia went to go sulk in her corner. 

“She’ll forgive you soon.” Lex handed his new familiar a plate with toast and eggs. Skip fumbled with it for a second before sitting down on the floor and scooping a bit up with his fingers. “For the love of… please use a fork. Do you know how to use a fork? How old are you? What time period are you from?” 

“So, can I stay?” Lex noticed that Skip delicately avoided the question.

“No.” Skip deflated and Lex exhaled, tapping his foot. “...Are you able to help me in my shop?” The witch could see Skip sit up straight, like a dog who had just caught sight of a treat and was having an internal debate about whether or not it was for them. 

“I mean, sure! Yeah, no problem, I’ll help!” He jumped up and walked around, looking for a table to sit at. 

“Kitchen table’s right over there.” 

“So you’ll really let me stay?”

“Well,” Lex said, carrying his coffee and own plate over to sit down, “I… might need some help dealing with the spider babies. So  _ maybe. _ ”

“That’s a good reason to keep me, right? Come on, your house is a real gas! I mean, sure, it’ll take some gettin’ used to and all, but I really want to stay, please?” Lex held up his hands. 

“We’ll see.” 

“Aw,  _ shit _ , Lex!” Skip sat back in his chair. “That’s what parents say when they mean no.”

“And are you my child?” The familiar balked at the idea. 

“No, that would be really weird.” 

“And why’s that?”

“‘Cuz I’m old.” Lex raised an eyebrow but changed the subject anyway. 

“You have a full name?”

“No, well… yes, but it’s dumb. I never use it,” Skip muttered sullenly, poking at his toast. 

“Trust me, nothing is dumber than my lack of a last name,” Lex shot back, taking a swig of coffee. “You want a cup?”

“Nah, I’d honestly rather have a cig. M’ full name’s Warren Harding Muck.” Lex sat absolutely still for a second. “It’s a name from nowhere, right?” A muscle twitched under Lex’s right eye and then he burst out laughing so hard that he fell off his chair, wood and witch collapsing to the floor. “Yeah, it’s hilarious, get it all out.” 

“You got named after Warren Harding!” Lex guffawed, cackling for a good minute while Skip sat resigned at the table. But Lex’s laugh was nothing if not infectious, and soon the familiar found himself smiling as well.

“Yeah, I did,” he chuckled. “Which is kinda bad business, because the guy looks like he just ate a toad.” Lex howled with laughter, wiping his eyes. 

“I have a familiar,” he gasped, “named Warren Harding Muck. I didn’t want a familiar named Warren Harding Muck, and yet here I am.” Skip shrugged, letting him tire himself out and then helping him up with strong arms. 

“Thanks for breakfast.” Lex shrugged, frowning. 

“It’s gonna be kind of a one-time deal. I usually don’t eat breakfast, so you’re going to have to make it yourself most days.” Skip nodded, digging into his toast. 

“Honestly, I’m just glad to have a place to stay. Sleeping on the street is bad news.” Lex nodded, raising an eyebrow. 

“So, Warren Harding Muck-” 

“Stop.” 

“-where’re you from?”

“New York.” Lex had thought that he had caught a little bit of an accent. He thought he knew what New Yorkers sounded like. Maybe this was it sounded like. Maybe this guy was lying, like he probably was. 

“The city?” the witch asked suspiciously, biting his lip. 

“The state.” 

“The town worth anything?”

“It’s worth a lot to me, but I don’t think going back right now is the best plan.”

“Right.” So sending him back to his hometown was out. They ate in silence, and the witch found all of his old anxiety about the whole deal coming back. Where would Skip sleep? Could he even afford to keep a familiar? What if the guy was dangerous?”

“Stop worrying, it doesn’t help anyone.”

“How did you-” Skip tapped his nose. 

“Still sort of a dog.” 

“Great,” Lex said snippily. “Thank you so much for that mental imagery. I needed that in my life, I really did.” 

“Hey, fella, don’t be like that.” The witch made the mistake of looking up, and there was Skip. He was smiling that stupid smile again. Fuck. Fucking fuckity fuck. 

Lex didn’t want a familiar. He wasn’t particularly powerful- he couldn’t summon earthquakes or raise the dead or do anything but grow flowers and herbs. Why did he get a familiar? Why was he chosen by a fucking  _ dog,  _ of all things? He gritted his teeth. There was no situation in which this would end well. “Lex?”

“Don’t talk to me,” Lex grumbled, shoving his plates in the sink and merely jumping through the hole in the floor. Petunia caught him- Petunia always did, and eased him to the soft moss carpet. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Skip called. 

“I’ll be okay when you stop talking to me,” Lex snapped, grabbing his tie and gloves. He left through the front door and slammed it, leaving a very forlorn familiar sitting at the kitchen table. 

Lex had thought too hard again. It was a rather commonplace incident for someone who was always thinking, but whenever he did it, it caused uncommonly bad surliness. Skip, of course, didn’t know this, and thought that it was something that he had done. 

Life was rather hard, being a familiar that no one wanted anymore.

 

-

 

Lex stormed his way through the day at the shop, going so far as to superglue the hyper, bouncy little spider plant babies’ pots to the shelf, and then immediately feeling bad and undoing it. It was pouring outside, and everything felt dismal instead of cozy.  

What made it even worse was that Livia, the all-dreaded Livia, came over again, stalking into the shop and accidentally hanging her umbrella on a tree, jumping when it was tossed away and ripping off a twig in retribution. 

She was always popping up like a bad penny or deja vu, and never failed in driving Lex out of his mind. 

“You got a new cell phone,” she declared, like the very act of doing something without her approval was a capital crime. 

“I did,” Lex’s voice was flat and left no room for argument. He brushed his gloves together to remove excess dirt. “And?” 

“And you already have my number blocked.” A stab of guilt went through him and he shook it away. 

“Livia, it was three entire years ago-“ 

“I think we still have a chance.” Lex stared at her, dumbfounded, but uttered not a word. “Lex, baby, please.” She walked forward, smiling at him. “Can we go out for drinks sometime?” 

“Are you asking me out?” 

“No. No, I just want one more outing with you, Lex. It’ll be just like old times.”

“Livia, I swear to everything holy-“ 

“Cool! I’ll pick you up on Wednesday night. 5 pm sound good?” She left Lex staring dead-eyed at the glass window of his store and wishing for death. Or her death. Either one worked. 

 

The plants eventually managed to cheer him up, understanding his plight and brushing soft leaves and petals and buds over the nearest piece of their witch whenever he came around to tend or repot them. The day passed with no more events, just watering and weeding and repotting. It was the kind of mundanity that he was used to, the qualities of a small-town life that had been so quickly flipped on themselves and turned into a boatload of drama. 

He left smiling, which wasn’t uncommon. Plants were such good listeners, honest and good, even if some of them (Petunia, he thought with a smile) had rather  _ strong  _ personalities. 

He rode home and his mood was soured for the wrong reasons. This really wasn’t his week. 

“LEX!” Terri tackled him, grinning brightly. 

“Hey, weren’t you coming over tomorrow?” Lex asked tightly, but still hugged her back. It was always a treat to see Terri, social interaction making him grumpy or not.  

“Well, I didn’t see any destruction when I drove over-”

“Your place is four hours away!” Terri’s nosiness, unlike Livia’s, was more than welcome. She was the one who had installed the self-care schedule for Lex, admonishing his lack of it. He was a happier and healthier person now because of her and Joshua. 

“-so the logical conclusion was that the plant godzilla was fake.  _ Again.”  _

“Terri, plant Godzilla means that I’m having problems and I need to be left alone. Just in case the last six times haven’t tipped you off.” 

“No, that’s the werewolf excuse. Whenever you pull plant Godzilla, it means that you need me and Joshua to come over and pull your head out of your spell book, that’s what it means.” Terri crossed her arms. Lex hated whenever she was right like that, it made him look bad. 

“Speaking of the old man-“

“Lex! Son, how have you been?” Joshua said brightly, emerging from behind the couch and walking up to him, spreading his arms for a hug. Lex opened his own arms, but his surrogate father shied away at the last second, wrinkling his nose. “Never mind, you still smell like a farm.” 

“I smell like  _ plants. _ ”

“Farm.” 

“Guess how many animals I’ve been around the last three weeks? Guess how many?! That’s right, zero. I do  _ not  _ smell like a farm,” Lex sniped.

“Wrong again,” Terri sang excitedly, and her brother’s heart sank like a stone. 

“Did you guys-“

“Why didn’t you tell us that you got a familiar? This is big news! I brought beer to celebrate!” Joshua held up a huge growler with only half of the beer intact. “I swore that it was full when I started over here…” 

“Your liver at your age is more magical than anything I can whip up, Joshua,” Lex said dryly, taking the growler and giving it to Petunia to put in the kitchen. 

“But really, Lex, do you even know who he is?” Terri piped up, raising her eyebrows. 

“Do witches ever know who their familiar is?”

“They’re obligated to tell you, I think,” Joshua commented, watching the growler intently like he was attempting to decipher how the beer had disappeared. He wasn’t much of a drinker, but when he did, it was impressive. There were rumors that around the 1600s, the fellow had downed at least sixteen flagons of ale at a tavern called the Hopping Mouse in England. They still had a plaque up for him. “Miss Lowell and I spent a long time at the library looking it up for you. It’s part of giving their service to you. Their history and their full name, so you can call them from anywhere.” Lex raised his eyebrows. Familiars  _ had _ to tell their witches this information? Didn’t sound very fair, in his book. 

“And what do the witches give in return, since you know so much?”

“A home,” Skip answered quietly, peeking out from the door to Lex’s bedroom. Lex jumped. 

“Hey, what the hell are you doing in there?” 

“It’s more comfortable than the couch. Plus, you have a TV-- I think it’s a TV.” The familiar shrugged. “I was trying to figure out how it worked.” The witch sighed, putting up a hand. 

“No, stop. You aren’t officially my familiar yet, you don’t get to put your paws anywhere you want.” He needed to backtrack, he needed to slow down. This was ridiculous. He knew that he was sending mixed signals, but this was too quick a change. Too many new rules. Too many possible complications. 

“Lex, looks to me like you don’t have much of a choice as to whether or not he’s your familiar. He picked you,” Joshua pointed out. Lex rolled his eyes, going to put the kettle on. 

“We’re in the  _ maybe  _ stage. He annoyed me until I let him in.” 

“Still,” Terri called over the rustling of Petunia as she lifted Lex up. “He’s yours.” 

“He’s probably got fleas.” 

“You’re being petty again, Lex,” Joshua said flatly. Lex rolled his eyes, tossing a pinch of this and that into a strainer and pouring hot water over it. They sat for a minute in uncomfortable silence as Lex made drinks. 

“So, how is Stiles-?”

“Don’t you dare change the subject, son.” Lex sighed in resignation, bringing the mugs down. 

“What am I supposed to say, guys? This dude’s sleeping on my couch,  _ naked _ , and I… how do I know that I can even trust him?” Skip looked away. Joshua couldn’t look more uncomfortable, but he said nothing. 

“You could ask him about his past,” Terri murmured, looking Lex in the eye. He, in turn, looked at Skip, who turned very pale. 

“I… uh… er… Ineedtousethefacilities.” He rushed out, nearly tripping over himself in the process. 

“Well, there goes that idea,” Lex huffed, watching Skip run away from the opposite direction of the bathroom. 

“Don’t be too hard on him, Lex, he’s doing his very best.”

“I’ll trust him when I know who he is.”

“So? The library? Yes?” Joshua glanced back and forth. “Do I have to bribe you two?” 

 

“Warren Harding Muck. His name is Warren Harding Muck.” Terri and Lex were sitting at the only two available computers, with Joshua hanging over them. 

“Zero search results,” Terri reported. 

“I got a construction company,” Lex sulked. 

“So, let’s try the date that names like Warren Harding were common among young boys, it’ll at least give us a time frame.” Lex typed in a few commands. 

“Web page blocked?!” Livia was peeking through the stacks. Nobody noticed her. 

“How about, um…” 

“Joshua, face it,” Lex said despairingly. “He could be an axe murderer and we would never find it out on these pieces of junk. Let’s go home and try my computer, that won’t be blocked.”  Terri pursed her lips, staring at her screen and eventually reaching whatever conclusion she had been trying to come to. Livia ducked back out and rushed to her car. 

“He’s right.” Lex’s sister stood up and fixed her long brown hair back in a ponytail. “We’d better get back anyway. I’m kind of worried about Skip. He looked so scared.” 


	3. Mayor Quinn, Mister Winfrey, and the Eighteenth Black Cat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uhhhh I swear aside from the plants these are all of the OCs that are actually going to get development?? Also- Lex makes plants grow too much when he gets Them Big Emotions™️ and this comes up later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mayor Quinn is like actually an ok dude in this and I’m not sure how I feel about that because I associate the actor with being The Main Dickhead in Jericho so...

Skip wasn’t the only one there when they came home. He was in his dog form, barking furiously at the two witches standing in Lex’s living room. Aster was ramming steadily into one of their legs, bumping into it and stumbling back before running at it again. Lily was waving her tendrils angrily, and the Corpse Flower in the corner, Begonia, was stinking up the place to high heaven. 

“Settle, Skip,” Lex ordered, and Skip sat back on his haunches, whining and baring his teeth. Lex scratched him behind the ears instinctively, recoiled, and took his jacket off, folding it and placing it over the back of the antique couch he had picked off the sidewalk last week. “Mayor Quinn. Miss Buell.”

“Lex,” Mayor Quinn greeted him, not unkindly. Terri frowned, handing her coat to Petunia and placing a protective hand on Lex’s shoulder. 

“He hasn’t done anything wrong…” She glanced at her brother. “Has he?” 

“No, of course not.” Natalie Buell smiled at her, her foreign accent ringing through the rafters of the house. “Mister Haisley just picked up on a familiar’s magic signature and we were coming to congratulate you as well as remind you of the recent-”

“Familiar Act.” Lex winked at her, tapping his temple as his heart sunk. His weird attraction to his- no,  _ the _ familiar needed to go  _ now. _ Skip growled. “I follow the news.” 

“Of course you do. Congratulations, Lex.” She walked up and patted him on the shoulder, heels sinking into the moss. “Carry on.” They both walked past him, Mayor Quinn nodding once in solidarity before they were out the door and gone. 

“The mayor and the lady from Hale stopped by,” Joshua remarked helpfully, walking in and closing the door behind him. Terri was standing stunned. Lex had worried little vinelets creeping up his legs as his plants gravitated to him. A crackling sound permeated the silence and Lex casually waved away the blue smoke as Skip changed, Lex’s shirt settling over him. 

“What’s the Familiar Act?” he asked, sitting down on the couch and crossing his legs. 

“It’s a city-wide regulation passed just this month,” Terri said numbly. “I don’t know why the hell the  _ mayor  _ would come and personally remind Lex of it, but I don’t know how many people get familiars these days.” 

“But what does it  _ do?”  _ Skip persisted. 

“You can’t have a relationship with your familiar beyond friendship,” Lex answered stiffly, tickling a plant stalk with his finger and watching it wiggle around happily. “So I don’t think we’ll have a problem.” 

Joshua’s eyebrows crawled up his head like two gray caterpillars and Terri made a face. 

“Lex, can I talk to you?” she asked, pulling Lex outside by the sleeve of his shirt. The door shut behind them, and Terri spun, facing her brother and crossing her arms. 

“Well, now you can,” the green witch said helpfully.

“What’s up with you, huh? You’re being even more of a snarky little asshole than usual, which is saying something.” Lex blinked, looking like she had just slapped him.

“Ter-“

“No, I want an explanation. You pulled plant Godzilla, you were as tense as anything when you hugged me back, and you’re being rude to Skip.”

“Skip’s a freeloader!”  _ And he’s cute! And I’m not ready for this! _

“He has nowhere to go,” Terri responded softly. “And I’m sure he won’t cost you much. Come on, Lex, money hasn’t meant this much to you before. Store owners with familiars get more business, you know that.” Lex exhaled deeply, jamming his hands in his pockets. 

“I don’t-“ 

“You don’t what?”

“Pentacles, Terri, please let me talk! I don’t think I deserve a familiar. I don’t want a familiar, I’m not powerful enough for a familiar.” He felt his cheeks start to burn with shame. 

“You think it was a mistake.” 

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

“And it hurt your feelings that you thought that it was a mistake? Lex, you screw yourself up sometimes to the point where I’m not sure I can help you.” She stared at him, brown eyes full of sadness and sincerity. “You should talk to the man with the cats. I’m sure he can help. You know the saying - familiars, like life, can’t be planned for.”

“I’m not sure that works for me. I don’t like surprises too much.” 

“Right. You need a schedule and a spreadsheet and a stopwatch. Come on, let’s go in. At least be nice to Skip until you can get him some clothes and talk to Mr. Winfrey, okay? He doesn’t deserve your asshole streak.” Lex laughed a little, hugging her. 

“Alright, Terri. Whatever my lady says.” 

“Let’s go inside, idiot.” She smiled at him fondly. 

 

Later that evening, when Skip had curled up on the couch and Joshua and Terri had crashed in their respective bedrooms, Lex made his way out to his porch and looked to the left. There sat a rather slight man in a tweed striped suit, sitting in a wicker rocking chair and puffing on an old-fashioned looking pipe. Mister Winfrey. He had never quite left the fifties. Witchtowns were progressive in some ways, and conservative in other ways. And Winfrey had hit the duality. Brought up in Drumchapel, he had been sheltered from the cruelties of segregation, but still faced a different stigma, one that Lex, and the rest (with the exception of one) were oblivious to. 

“Mister Wi-”

“Lex.” He turned to look at Lex, eyes crinkling with gentle amusement. “You have some questions, my boy.” 

“I do.” 

“Come over here, there’s a second chair waiting for you.” Lex walked over and sat down, handing Mister Winfrey a pinch of mugwort to put in his pipe. The older witch took a long puff and sighed. Anyone worth their pentacle knew that mugwort had hallucinogenic effects- but for Winfrey, it let him see into pretty much anything he wanted. HIt was why Susan had chosen him at first. 

“I want to know-“

“How to deal with it, right? The answer is that there’s no one way. You must be careful with coercion, familiars have to follow your orders to a certain extent.”

“Does Susan-“

“Not after three hundred years, my boy, not after three hundred years.” Lex swallowed and nodded. He was young. Infantile, compared to his neighbor. 

“I want to know why Skip picked me.” Another long puff.

“I can’t say. Your familiar is a strange one. I’ve never seen his ilk before.”

“Do I need to be careful?”

“No. No, he’s as safe as can be.” Lex relaxed a little, nodding again. The porch door to Mister Winfrey’s house slammed shut and an elderly woman walked out, carrying a plate of ginger snaps.

“Would you like one, my dear?” Lex took one gratefully, thanking her. “And a second one for your new friend, he likes them.” A second cookie floated into Lex’s pocket. 

“Thanks, Miss Susan.” 

“Don’t thank me, you should be celebrating! There are familiars that haven’t a good ounce of blood in their heart, and that boy’s filled with more joy and love than a little sourpuss like you can stomach.” She smiled, sitting down on a third chair. 

“Be careful, Lex,” Mister Winfrey warned. “Be careful of his past.”

“Is it dangerous?”

“It’s sad,” Susan said softly. “Terribly sad. Wait for him to tell you, dear, there’s nothing there that’ll hurt you. But forcing him to recount it will just bring him more pain.” Lex swallowed, feeling childish and self-centered.

“I don’t know how to handle the change. I don’t like change.” He looked at Winfrey, his eyes pleading for answers.

“No one does, not really,” Winfrey piped up. “But some change is good, and I think this sort is.” Lex bit his lip, nodding and getting up. 

“It was… lovely to talk to you two again.”

“Do come over some time, I’ll make coffee cake,” Winfrey beamed, blowing a smoke ring at Lex.

“Oh, just take the whole basket of snaps,” Susan said, pretending to be mad about it. “You need some meat on those bones anyway.” 

“I’ll see you both later,” Lex laughed, taking the basket from her. As he walked away, Susan disappeared in a puff of green smoke. A black cat with graying fur jumped up on Winfrey’s lap and curled up, purring as he blew rings into the graying sky. 

 

-

 

Lex woke up staring straight into Skip’s face. He screamed and bolted, knocking their heads together and crashing against his headboard.

“WHAT THE FUCK?” he bellowed as Skip begrudgingly rubbed his forehead. 

“Petunia won’t take me up into the kitchen. We’re going to work today, right?”

“We? There’s no-” Lex recalled his conversation from last night. “...Sure.” Skip lit up like a Christmas tree. “And tomorrow we’re taking you clothes shopping, because if I see you wearing Joshua’s pants ever again I’m going to die on the spot.” 

“To be fair, they’re comfortable.”

“They’re rainbow-checkered, my dear flea-ridden familiar.” Skip frowned, opened his mouth to tell Lex off for calling him flea-ridden, and paused. 

“I’m your familiar?!” If Lex broke another bit of good news he was sure that Skip would go straight through the roof out into the great blue beyond. It was kind of cute. Fuck. NO.

“I don’t think the ASPCA takes human-like creatures, so sure.” Skip tackled him, arms firmly around his middle, and Lex blinked. 

“Skip, we’re in a compromising position.”

“I don’t care,” Skip mumbled into his neck. 

“Skip, this is going to get me arrested. At least let me sit up so it doesn’t look like I’m getting fucked, okay?” The face against Lex’s neck suddenly turned hotter and Skip backed off a bit, letting Lex sit up. “Okay, now c’mere, let me hug you. You wanted a hug, right? You’re getting a hug.” The hug was brief and awkward and silent, but Skip still spent a half hour in the bathroom and came out with puffy red eyes and the biggest smile on his face. 

It was… sort of nice. To see him so happy. Lex decided that he was going to stop being an asshole, even free-loading canine familiars deserved to be happy. And Terri was right. As she usually was. 

Nothing really happened that day. The Morgensterns came in to buy a Venus Flytrap for their daughter, Skip ate more ginger snaps than was probably healthy or remotely safe, and Lex watered and healed and talked to his plants. They went out for burgers and beer with Terri and Joshua, and the one controversy of the day happened at that point.

“He’s a familiar, sir,” the manager argued, sounding very distressed. “You know that it’s custom for him to sit at your feet.”

“He could be chopped liver for all I care, we have an open seat and he’s sitting at it,” Lex snarled. “You can take your ‘customs’ and shove it up your a-“

“Lex, sit down before you make an Audrey 2 out of his potted plant,” Terri ordered in the tone of voice that she used when she intended to be listened to. Lex nodded meekly and sat down. The potted plant at the nearby table had turned into a sprawling mess of vines and flowers and leaves that now blanketed the smooth wooden surface- a direct result of what happened when Lex was furious. 

“You didn’t need to do that,” Skip mumbled as the plant tried to shove itself all back into the pot.

“Yes,” Lex snapped, “Yes, I did.” The waiter came.

“Something for you, miss?”

“Yeah, I’ll have the Mushroom and Swiss, thanks.”

“You, sir?”

“The Californication and a Moon River, please.”

“And you?” Lex caught Skip’s eye.

“Hey, what do you want?”

“He was…” Skip looked very uncomfortable. “He was asking you.”

“My mother never really instilled in me the importance of sharing, Skip, what do you want?”

“Gee, um… maybe just a cheeseburger?”

“Your funeral. I’ll take the Wendy’s Nightmare, side of fries, coffee if you’ve got it, and the gentleman wants a cheeseburger.”

“Are Cokes still a thing?” Skip asked quietly, “I kinda want a Coke.”

“And a Coke,” Lex informed the waiter, feeling like a huge dumbass. The waiter nodded, muttered some useless formality, and left. 

“So why didn’t you bite his head off like you did to the manager?” Joshua asked, sounding generally interested. 

“It’s a dive bar, the guy’s doing his best. I’m not going to tear him a new one for what’s probably just policy. The manager instated that bullshit, he can go screw himself.” The familiar looked over at Lex, smiling when he thought that the witch couldn’t see. 

They ate and left and went home. Livia called him fourteen times from a new number, which he blocked. Skip asked no questions. It didn’t feel like a can of worms that was a good idea to open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like, Comment, Share and Subscribe
> 
> (We are clearly whoring ourselves out for comments here)


	4. Bean the Mum Plant is the Only Important Thing in This Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I swear, Bean the mum and Lily’s lesbian romance is the only thing that matters now. Fuck this whole story, I’m going to go write lesbian plant fan fiction now. 
> 
> ThE ToAst Is oN fIrE

The next morning, Lex woke up to the smell of something burning and someone shouting his name in a panic. He blearily blinked his eyes open to see what appeared to be a very apologetic and scared Skip. In his room. Again. 

“What did you do?” he grumbled. 

“The toast is on fire,” Skip gasped, wringing his hands. “I was trying-”

“You set the toast on fire,” Lex said dumbly. 

“Yes,” Skip whispered, taut as a bowstring. 

“You were making toast.”

“I-... I wanted to make you breakfast.” Lex blinked. That was considerate of him. 

“And the stove’s on fire.”

“Yes.” 

“Ehhhh.” He laid back down again. 

“But-... But Lex! The stove’s on fire, shouldn’t we be… y’know… evacuating? Getting a fire extinguisher?” 

“Amaryllis will take care of it.” Skip sighed in relief. 

“Oh, thank God for Amaryl… who?”

“He’s a eucalyptus, he’s fire resistant and he loves burning himself. It’s the only way he can propagate. He’ll put it out.”

“The plant?” Lex rolled onto his back and stared Skip dead in the eye. 

“How many times do you think I set the stove on fire when I was learning to cook?” Skip wilted.

“Never?”

“Almost every day. You’re fine. Wake me up in fifteen minutes.” Lex turned over and fell asleep again. His familiar stood for a long minute, biting the inside of his cheek, before cautiously pulling the blankets up over Lex’s shoulders and walking out of the room. Due to how long it had taken Skip to win his new witch’s… well, he wouldn’t say  _ affections _ , but certainly  _ trust,  _ it was already starting to get chilly out. He was still in his clothes from yesterday, and as he walked into the living room, Petunia reached over and straightened his collar before giving him a gentle tap on the nose.

“Hi.”  He smiled at her, pulling his one earthly possession out of his pocket and sitting down on the couch, the cross dangling between his fingers. The rosary had been repaired over the years with careful touch. “I want a cig,” he mumbled to the plants. “Going cold turkey’s easy when you’re a dog, you know?” The vine that Lex liked so much curled around his arm, jabbing a tendril towards the window. “The window?” He walked over after the vine disentangled itself, looking through it. Out on the porch sat Mr. Winfrey, and he was smoking. “Well, hot diggity,” mumbled the familiar. 

“Never took you for a Christian, being a witch-creature and all.” Skip startled and turned around. Lex was standing there, tying his tie. 

“I… er… it was a gift from a friend.” Skip shoved the rosary into his pocket. His witch smiled a little as the vine that had pointed to the window ran around his hand and bloomed. 

“Good morning, Lily. Well, if you ever want to tell me anything about yourself, trust me, I’m all ears. I’ll go make breakfast.” Skip turned pink. 

“I want to…”  _ I just don’t think I have it in me. I’m a coward, everyone who really knows me knows I’m a coward.  _

“Don’t sweat it. I know that it bothers you, you don’t have to tell me.” With the creaking, groaning sound that Petunia made when she moved, Lex was lifted into the kitchen. “But if you need a brain shrink, I’m more than willing to carry your baggage.” 

“...What?”

“You’ve obviously got problems with your past, Skippy.” Lex scraped the charred remains of the toast into the sink to be ground up and made into plant food. He started a new batch. “Also, why did you try to make toast in a pan?”

“I don’t understand your toaster,” Skip sulked. 

“It’s not that hard, Skip. Hey, can you go into the pantry and find me some granola?” 

“The pantry?” 

“Look to your left and pull aside the vine curtain.” The familiar did so. 

“I can’t see anything, it’s black as night.”

“Lick your finger and press it to the little green leaf, you see the leaf?” Skip shot him a weird look. However, the second that his finger touched the leaf, glowing trails of light spread through the patry, illuminating it. The vines that grew over the top grew inside of the pantry as well, and seemed to be almost bioluminescent. “Y’see the granola?”

“Yeah.”

“Grab it and toss it up, will you?”

“...Sure.” Skip grabbed the small bag and chucked it up into the second floor. Petunia caught it and handed it to Lex, who smiled and blew the tree a kiss.

“Thanks, Skip. Come on up, breakfast is almost ready.”

“What about Terri and Joshua?”

“Oh, the resident squatters? They can go get bagels.”

“Quite rude of you, to call me a squatter,” Joshua said dryly, walking into the lower level and looking up. 

“Go get a bagel, Joshua,” Lex responded easily, tapping Zinnia on her flower head to give her an extra dose of magic- she’d been rather sluggish lately- and carrying the plates over to the table. “Skip, come eat, and then we’re going to work. I just have a few things to check up on before we go clothes shopping.” Skip turned red and mumbled something. “What was that?”

“Thanks,” the familiar whispered softly. “You didn’t have to do all this for me.”

“What can I say? Talking to old people gives you a new perspective. Come eat.”

 

They ate and talked and Joshua whined about the bagel place being a block away before leaving, and Skip went over to Mister Winfrey’s to beg for cigarettes and got his Never-Ending-Pack, which Lex confiscated immediately. After a brief discussion about lung cancer, Skip decided that he would try to keep the smoking to a minimum (and outside), if only to keep things easier for his poor little asthmatic witch. After a contrite Lex apologized for being so hard on him, they drove to The Patchwork Bouquet, Skip riding on the back of Lex’s bike in dog form. 

Apparently Lex couldn’t even grab his garden shears without Livia turning up. Which was more than unfortunate. However, the second she was in the door Skip rushed her, barking and growling. Livia gasped and jumped back, grabbing the nearby spade to brandish and almost  _ kicking  _ Skip before Lex rushed forward to grab his familiar. 

“Skip, no. Back off.” Skip snarled, struggling in his witch’s arms. 

“What is… that  _ thing  _ doing in here?”

“This is  _ my _ familiar. Apparently he doesn’t like people who exhibit the crazy ex-girlfriend stereotype.” Lex fumed. She had almost kicked him! His familiar! His Skip! No fucking way/

“You can’t have a dog, you’re allergic.”

“He doesn’t shed. Like I told you, not a dog.” Skip licked his face a few times and Lex shot him a look. “Stop that.”

“Lex,  _ I’m allergic.”  _ Livia spread her hands. “You got a dog, that must mean you’re lonely-”

“Livia, he’s a goddamn familiar. I’m not lonely, I have my plants-”

“I did always think that hobby wasn’t very good for you.” 

“Let me rephrase this- my  _ career  _ in plants,” Lex continued through gritted teeth, “And Skip chose me, I didn’t choose him.” 

“Does that mean that he can… unchoose you?” Skip bared his teeth and barked. 

“He’s very possessive. I think he’s going to bite you if you touch me,” Lex said flatly, trying not to sound excited at the concept. 

“Lex, this puts a damper on our relationship, I hope you know that.”

“We haven’t been dating for three years.” 

“I’m not thrilled about the dog-”

“Familiar.”

“And I’m disappointed that you wouldn’t come to me if you were lonely-”

“Not interested and not lonely.” 

“-but I only want what makes you happy, Lex.”

“Then make me a joyous man and go on a scavenger hunt. First item- the door. See if you can find that.” 

“Now, that’s not very nice, Lex!” Lex set Skip down on the counter and went back to searching for his shears. The reason that he’d left Livia was that she was manipulative as well as crazy off her ass. He’d had a boyfriend like that previously, and the repeat was just painful. He didn’t need that again, and he didn’t want her sticking around. Fortunately, after mumbling that this was no way to treat someone who just wanted to help and Lex should be more grateful for what she was trying to do because he was just so  _ introverted  _ and probably was no good at any sort of party, and she was really just staging an intervention but Lex couldn’t see that, could he, he was just stuck in his own ways and she’d surely done her best, but this was on him- Livia found the door.

The spiel was rather hard to ignore, and something twisted in Lex’s gut. He wanted to apologize, but by the time he opened his mouth, she was gone.

“Don’t say it.” Skip was sitting on the counter.

“I feel bad,” Lex confessed, looking up at him. “I feel bad, maybe she’s-”

“If you say ‘right’ I’m going to do somethin’ drastic, fella. It’s not you, it’s her. Goddamn, did you actually date her?” The familiar watched her retreating back. 

“Yeah.” Skip exhaled deeply like his patience was being tried (it sort of was), hopping off the counter and gently putting a hand on Lex’s shoulder. 

“That dame-”

“She’s nuts, I know.”

“I’m sure there are some perfectly sane girls in the boonies, the country, you know?” Skip said, flapping his hand like he meant the rural area near Drumchapel. There was no rural area near Drumchapel. Drumchapel was the rural area. “Which means that you’re an idiot.”

“To be fair, she wasn’t like this for maybe four months into our relationship.”

“That’s bad business, hope you know that.” 

“I do.”

“You’re a meatball.”

“I don’t know what you’re saying.”

“Stupid,” Skip clarified. “Stupid to pick the one broad in this place who’d probably dust you if you left her.”

“I’ve survived three years,” Lex argued defensively, knotting and looping the beginnings of a wire hanging basket with expert fingers. 

“Doesn’t mean she ain’t trying.”

“Well, I’ve got you now, haven’t I? Which means that I’ll be fine.” Lex poked Skip in the stomach and walked out of the store. “Let’s get you some clothes.” 

 

The clothing store trip was an UTTER disaster in the best sort of way. Lex had to repeatedly tell Skip that yes, pants were supposed to go closer to your hips, because his familiar kept saying that pants that fit him perfectly were too small and didn’t reach high enough. 

“What’s this?” Skip pointed to an anime character drawn on a t-shirt. 

“I have no clue.” Lex squatted down and peered at it. 

“Can I get it?”

“...Sure, I guess, if that floats your boat.” 

They rode home with several bags, and Lex’s sides hurt from laughing at his bewildered familiar turning around in the mirror.

“Looking good.” Terri whistled as Skip walked in and took off his shoes. Lex followed, reassuring the plants that gravitated towards him that it had only been a small shopping trip and he hadn’t abandoned them. He was smiling. “Have a good day, Lex?”

“Despite Livia’s best attempts.” Joshua winced. Skip looked to his witch, hefting the bags. 

“Should I go put these by the couch?”

“No, go unload them in the bedroom across from mine, it’s high time that you stopped getting dog hair all over my sofa.” Skip glanced at the spotless couch, shrugged, and moseyed away to the bedroom. Lex grinned widely, sitting down next to Terri and giving her a quick hug.

“I’m so proud of you, Lex. It’s so nice to see your head again, I thought it would stay up your ass forever. We made you guys dinner, since you’re back so late,” Terri giggled, pretending to wipe her eyes. “Stir fry, tofu, the works.” 

“Don’t mind if I do,” teased her brother. “You’re setting the table.” A clock on the mantle read 8 pm.

  
  


-

  
  


“He didn’t show up,” Livia wept. “I tried calling him. But he has me blocked.” Natalie Buell placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

“He doesn’t deserve you. You’re trying so hard.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong! I told him we were going out, I told him the time- that always used to work. He’s so indecisive, that’s why I scheduled everything!”

“Livia,” Natalie said gently. “You do know that Lex just recently got a familiar.”

“I know, but… how recently?” She looked up, her face tear-stained.

“Well, how long hasn’t he been paying you any attention? Think about it. A shiny new thing comes along and you’re suddenly worthless?” Livia paled. Three years of him being only mildly rude. Why the sudden change?

“But… that’s illegal!”

“If he can ignore you he can ignore the law, my dear.” Natalie sat down, gently wiping Livia’s tears away with a tissue. “We’re going to have to take drastic steps.”

 

-

 

“Hey, Skip.” Lex gently shook Skip and he blinked his eyes open. “Wake up. I made pancakes, but you gotta get up early or Joshua will eat all of them.” The familiar smiled, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and standing up. He was much taller than Lex (because seriously, the guy was  _ tiny),  _ but there was no mistaking who held the most power. Skip, as a familiar, could do a little magic- but not much. Lex was the witch in the room.

“Morning, meatball.” Lex rolled his eyes, grabbing Skip by the wrist and pulling him out of his room. 

“Shut up, or I’m revoking your pancake privileges.”

“We can’t have that, can we?”

“You’re insufferable.”

“I’ve heard that was attractive in this day and age.”

“Jesus, Skip, enough.” Lex laughed, pinching him as Petunia slowly lifted them up to the kitchen. Lily’s pot was on the table, and Lily was conversing, or seemed to be conversing, with a new pot of mums that Lex had rescued from a mortal garden store. The bastards there were  _ killing  _ the plants, and Lex had  _ words  _ with the manager about plant care before taking Bean home. The mums were named Bean. He had no excuse. Tendrils from the wisteria vine gently wrapped around one of Bean’s flower heads, and the mum’s leaves shivered happily. Skip walked over to them, saying hello and yelping when Lex swatted him on the rear with a towel. 

“Hey!”

“Sit  _ down _ . We’re burning daylight.” Pancakes were slid onto his plate. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s a little button down there that you click, and then you type shit, and then you click another button and someone’s whole day becomes happier, put in the comments which button you think this is


	5. One Paragraph About Coffee Cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sad thing is that this chapter is so important to the rest of the story and it’s one singular fucking paragraph I want to die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fact that “JK” stands for both JK Rowling’s pen name and “Just Kidding” is kind of a bold statement on her writing practices when it comes to gay characters. But never fear, your local dipshit is here- with another chapter.

Mister Winfrey opened the door, still in his nightshirt, and came face-to-face with a brightly smiling Livia carrying a file. He picked up one of his cats and moved it to the side so she could step in.

“Yes?”

“May I speak to you, Mr. Winfrey?” He moved aside to let her in. 

“Susan, we have a guest.”

“Oh,” Livia said brightly. “Susan doesn’t need to be here for this. I want to talk to  _ you.”  _ Hubert Winfrey’s stomach sank to his feet. 

“Yes, miss? Would you like some coffee ca-?”

“Let’s cut to business.” The file dropped onto the nearby table. “I know about you and Susan.” Winfrey frowned, tilting his head anyway and narrowing his eyes. He had not seen this. He had not looked, nor expected it. Winfrey and his familiar were known around town as a gentle and easygoing family folk, slow to conflict and kind. So why was this brash little girl coming into his house and threatening him? 

“I’m quite sure that I have no idea what you’re saying.”

“I’m quite sure I do.” Livia opened the file, showing it to Winfrey. “And I need a favor.” Winfrey drew himself up to his full height.

“What do you need?” he asked quietly. Livia smiled. 

“I need you to watch that house and its inhabitants. Make sure that they don’t go down the same… regrettable path as you have. And if they have, call me.” 

“But I don’t have a phone-” 

“Toodles!” Livia cheered, walking out the door and leaving the file on the coffee table. Susan decided to make her appearance at that point, peering out with her hair still in rollers. 

“Honey? What was-” Winfrey merely crossed the room, holding her as tightly as he could and sighing. 

“Darling, she found the wedding photos.” 

“What will we do?” Susan gently hugged him back, rubbing his shoulders.

“What we have to do. Now go get back in bed, I was making you breakfast.” 

“Hubert.”

“I’ll take care of it, Suz. It’ll be okay.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment if you want lesbian plant fan fiction, are a lesbian plant, or really want Aster to get a boyfriend.


	6. And Here’s the Gay Shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s the gay shit. Warning for uhhhhh fuckton of PTSD, Lex doing a Foolish Thing and then making up for it, and Skip just generally being someone we don’t deserve.

“Welcome to my garden home,” Lex snickered, grandly gesturing around his backyard. Skip smiled, taking in the rows of corn, squash, beans, tomatoes, and other vegetables. A tree arched over a small pond, sending small petals down into the unfrozen water. Two sunflowers stood stoic behind it all. 

“Aren’t the trees done blooming?” Skip murmured. Lex smiled. 

“Not her.” Wind blew through the garden and the plants started to rustle. Tendrils curled towards Lex, sprouting from the ground, wrapping around his legs and arms. Skip yelped as a vine reached towards him. “Oh, shush, They just want to say hello.” The vine shied back for a minute, but when Skip stood very still it started to reach for him again. Slowly, a new little growth curled around his finger. Lex grinned. “Okay, everyone, that’s enough. Back to your spots.” There was a loud creaking and rustling as the plants moved back. “These two back here are Sage and Foxglove. The sunflowers.” Skip stood, awestruck. The sunflowers were so tall that he had to crane his head back to even get close to seeing the tops. “Want to go say hello?” 

“I’m… erm…”

“You don’t have a fear of heights, do you?” Lex teased. Skip swallowed nervously, looking down. His foot started tapping on the ground. 

“A little.” 

“It’s okay, I do too. Hazel is perfectly gentle, she won’t let you fall.” 

“Hazel?” The tree shifted, bringing itself up to its full height and making a little bow at Skip. “Oh… hello.” Lex grabbed Skip’s wrist, leading him over to the tree. 

“Hazel, if you don’t mind.” A leafy branch hooked around and down, forming a sort of little seat. Lex walked over, sitting down. “Come on, Skip.”

“I don’t know…” 

“She won’t let you fall off. None of them will. I’ll even ask for a seatbelt. I promise, Skip. You won’t fall off, you’ll be right here with me.” 

“Alright,” Skip whispered, walking forward and sitting down next to Lex. To the witch’s right, the branch split in two, forming two smaller branches. One of them slowly twisted, laying firmly across the pair’s laps, while the other moved to brace their backs. He could do this. 

 

Right near the seatbelt, Lex took Skip’s hand. 

“You’re okay,” he murmured. “Take it away, Hazel.” Skip gasped in surprise when they were shot into the sky, the branch that was seating them growing at an impossible rate. Up and up and up the stalk they climbed, until the air started getting thinner and Skip started to panic. 

“I can’t,” he choked breathlessly. “I can’t, take us down.” Lex squeezed his hand.

“Just a little bit more. You can do this. Breathe, Skippy.” Skip closed his eyes, clinging to his witch.

They made it to the top. A branch stayed wrapped around Skip’s waist as the two friends walked onto one of the massive sunflower leaves. 

“This is Sage,” Lex shouted over the wind. Skip sat down on the leaf and stared at the sunflower head looming above him. He looked over his shoulder, out at the town. It was beautiful up here.

“Can you… shrink it down?” Lex made a face.

“But why?”

“I’m feeling a little… intimidated.” 

“Sure. Whatever helps.” Lex nodded and waved his hand, and then Skip was screaming as the plant started to drop rapidly toward the earth. They were floating above the leaves as it went down, down, down, wind whipping their faces, and Skip vaguely realized that he still had a branch around his waist. Lex had kept to his word. He was still safe. This made him calm down a little, but the second his feet touched the ground he doubled over and curled up.

“Skippy? Hey, you okay?” Skip had promised himself that he would never do this sort of shit again. No more falling from the sky. None. Nada. Zip. “Skip. Hey, look at me.” Skip was still trembling as flashbacks danced in front of his eyes. “Skippy, Skippy, hey.” 

“Lex,” Skip whimpered, and thin arms pulled him up against a warm body, rocking him.

“I’m sorry,” Lex said breathlessly. “I should have listened.” Skip squeezed his eyes shut, but images of gore still danced in front of his face. 

A limp body hanging from a parachute. Gunfire in a cold forest. 

“”I’m sorry,” Lex repeated, rocking him back and forth, to and fro, as Skip’s heart beat rabbit-fast against his chest. “Shhh.” Skip breathed out, in again, letting himself be comforted. 

“Maybe we shouldn’t do that again?” Lex laughed, and it was a sort of broken kind, battling between elation and tears. 

“Yeah, maybe,” he said, feeling like shit. 

“A small possibility.”

“Just a little.” Skip buried his face in Lex’s shoulder, shivering. It was barely chilly out. Lex buried his nose in Skip’s soft hair, stroking his back. Through it all, his heart fluttered. 

He never wanted Skip to feel this bad because of him ever again. 

“Can we go inside?” the familiar asked shyly, and his witch nodded. 

“Sure. Let’s try the lab, is bioengineering interesting to you?”

“Bio-what?” Lex smiled into his hair. 

“You want to try to make a plant? A new kind?” Skip’s face brightened, even as his hands shook.. 

“Oh, hell yeah.” 

“Okay, give me the pink vial.” Lex smiled when smooth glass was pressed into his hand. “You said daisy and rose, right?” He dodged Aster, who had been even more hyper than usual and had found his jumpy way into the lab. 

“Yeah! Maybe a little carnation, too, get the little ruffles!” Skip peered over Lex’s shoulder just in time for a magenta puff of smoke to come roaring out of the little jar Lex was using to combine the seeds. He coughed and waved his hand in front of his face. His witch reached up and rifled through a set of drawers, pulling out a third seed and dropping it into the bubbling jar of pink smoke. 

“Hand me that red bottle, please.” A deep booming sound permeated the room as Lex’s magic puddled in his hand, low and rich like a drum. Skip covered his ears. 

“What is that?”

“My magic,” Lex told him frankly as the windows shook. “In large quantities it gets… loud.” He smiled, tipping his handful of swirling purple smoke into the jar and watching light shine through the cloud of magenta like sun through the water that’s just deep enough to be dark. Then the contents of the red bottle were poured in and the jar exploded, sending a little missile rocketing through the room. Lex caught it, pinched in between his index finger and thumb. “Here it is, a-“

“Daisnatose.” 

“A… a daisnatose.” Lex watched at him for a second to try to confirm whether or not he was joking and then laughed, shaking his head. “Okay, a daisnatose. Let’s plant it, see how it looks.” Skip grabbed the hand that wasn’t holding the seed eagerly, beaming. Lex had made him tea and wrapped him in a blanket and apologized for a good five minutes straight before they had started. He felt a lot better now. 

“I hope it looks good!” Lex bit back a comment and planted the seed in a basin filled with dirt. It was his test planter, and had seen plenty of disturbing failures. Skip helped him cover it up, and then Lex took a dropper of his magic and gently poured three drops over where the seed was planted. It sprouted instantly, growing and budding and blossoming as they watched. The plant stretched up, higher and higher, and grew long and thin. Leaves popped out from the stalk, thick and wide and green. And then the first flower bloomed and Skip gasped. 

 

It had the petals of a rose, with a pistil of a daisy- the center round and yellow and full of pollen. And on the edges of the petals were ruffles, curling red and white around the light pink inside. 

“Oh,” Lex said dumbly. “Huh.” 

“Damn.” Skip whistled. “Are you going to put it in your shop?”

“Is that okay?” Lex glanced over at him.

“I mean- it would be paying for me to eat. So… sure.” The smaller man next to Skip giggled and then broke out into a full-belly laugh, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

“Skip, you don’t need to worry about money. Okay? Don’t worry about it.” 

“But you said-“

“Skip, I’m an asshole. It’s not something to worry about. I say dumb, mean things when I overthink. Ask Terri, she’ll just tell you to ignore me.” Skip blinked. 

“Why?” Lex sighed. 

“Because I… er… because usually when I’m a dick it’s because I haven’t gotten over myself and my own bullshit yet.” 

“Oh. Yeah, some of my buddies did that, way back when.” 

“Your buddies?”

“Nothin’.” The familiar looked away, biting his lip. “I’m not ready to talk about that yet.”

“Okay.” Lex picked up the basin and carried it into the living room, placing it on the table. 

 

The sun made its way across the sky, and Lex and Skip continued to crank out insane amounts of new species of plants- Barbed Vine, with sharp prickles all along the soft vines and sweet pink fruit. Oakroses, trees whose flowers appeared very similar to the age-old flower, and Skip’s favorite. It was a mix of magnolia (he had read about that once) flower and nightshade, with a heavy dose of Lex’s magic. A potent flower, Lex had told him, that would put one to sleep immediately. WIth Skip’s problems with sleeping as of late, this seemed perfect. He didn’t want to burden Lex with his problems- the man had enough to deal with without him. 

 

Right before he went to bed, the familiar walked into the lab, plucking the Sleeping Flower and taking it into his room. 

“Here goes,” he muttered, and picked two petals off of the flower. The second they went down his throat, he shuddered, purple crawling up his neck and arms. It didn’t hurt, but he felt like he was drugged, slow and heavy. “Lex, what is-” he gasped, but his voice felt like molasses in his throat. Slowly, he sank down on his bed, closing his eyes. And he slept. 

 

For about three seconds. 

 

Skip woke up in a very familiar forest, the cold ground underneath him freezing his fingers. 

“Dammit,” he muttered, standing up and shivering. “I shouldn’t have eaten that flower. Come on, Skip.” He pinched himself. Nothing. “Come on, come on, wake up already.”

“Muck, what the hell are you doing?” Skip turned around. 

“Malark- no fucking way.” The man walked forward, wrapping his arms around Skip’s shoulders and smiling into his shoulder. 

“How’ve you been, old pal?” Skip gulped, hugging Malarkey back. 

“I, uh… got a new witch. Little tiny fella. Goes by Lex.” Malarkey laughed. 

“You got a new witch, huh? Is he nice?”

“Not at the start, but he’s shaping up to be a real swell guy. Thinks too much, though.”

“Was he as good as I was?”

“Well, you weren’t- he knows more than you did,” Skip answered honestly, feeling Malarkey’s arms tighten around him. “But I miss you a lot.” His former ‘witch’ nodded, smiling into his thin pajamas. 

“Well, you’ve got me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you ate the flower, didn’t you, Sleeping Beauty?” Skip’s heart turned to ice. He noticed through lidded eyes that he was shaking. Malarkey felt cold. “You were trying to stay away from the Ardennes.”

“C-C-Can you bl-blame me?” Teeth chattered. Fingers burned. 

“Oh, Muck, you were supposed to die here.” Skip’s vision was going black at the edges. He shuddered. “Penkala got blasted to shit, took the hits meant for you.”

“I kn-know. I know.” Skip looked down at Malarkey’s jacket, noticing frost creeping along the fabric. “Malark-... wh-what is?” 

“Oh, Skip. I’m not the cold one.” Skip tried to pull away, but Malarkey’s arms were tight around him. “You are.”

“Th-Then let go! You’ll die too…!” Skip struggled, tried to shove his way out. He was hurting Malarkey, he was hurting him. He could feel his friend shivering too. “Let go, Malarkey!” 

“Sorry, old friend. I can’t.” Skip pulled harder and Malarkey just… shattered. The familiar stumbled back, gasping in horror. 

 

His friend was completely frozen solid. 

 

“No. Noooo, no, this can’t be happening. I can’t… no…” Skip felt a lump in his throat thicker than a basketball, choking him. Suddenly the ground cracked and it opened, and they both fell into a gaping pit. Into fire, fire and heat and death…

 

Skip sat up straight, drenched in cold sweat. He looked around, rubbing his face. The first thing he saw was the crushed petals of the flower, crushed by the moving blanket and his wild tossing and turning. Gentle light from the moon and the streetlights filtered through his window. 

“Holy hell,” he muttered, swallowing and trying to calm his racing heart. “We are not eating  _ that _ again, Muck. Bad choice. Bad choice indeed.” He stood up, dragging his blanket behind him and heading for Lex’s room. ”Hey, Lex?” The witch rolled over, his hair a fluffy, matted mess. 

“Mmmmphhh, whaddya want?” The words were slurred with sleep. 

“Can I sleep with you? I had a… bad dream.” Lex opened one eye and Skip turned magenta. He was acting like a scared little kid, for Christ’s sake, he had fought in the second goddamn World War! 

“I’m… way too tired to argue with you, get in here.” Skip swallowed. Too late to go back now. He slid into bed, snuggling in with Lex and thinking on his feet. Softly, quietly, he changed. Lex blew a little blue smoke out of his mouth when he exhaled. 

The puppy curled up, a little warm body against Lex’s own. 

 

No one really knew which one woke up first, the morning spent in lazy, quiet comfort as Joshua snored like an old furnace in the next room. Sunlight wove its energy into the leaves of all of the plants standing sentry. Petunia stirred and extended her branches. Lily perked up, her vines twisting over the door frame and blooming. Something was different today. No one really knew what it was. Not yet. But as Zinnia shook her petal heads, as the sunlight fell over Skip’s empty bed and the discarded Sleeping Flower, it became very clear that something had indeed changed. The sunflowers stretched themselves out and shuddered, settling back in. As the witches and familiar slept, the house stirred. As the witch and familiar woke, slow and comforted, plants moved. 

“You wanna tell me what this is about?” Lex asked softly. “Why you wanted to stay here, I mean.”

“Are you mad about it? Please don’t be-”

“No, Skip. I’m not. Bad dreams are bad dreams, we all get them.” Lex yawned and stretched, swallowing as he fumbled for his contacts. “You do seemed really shaken, though,” the witch pressed. “Joshua gets like that sometimes.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, he tried living a human life. Picked the  _ perfect _ time, showed whatever government they have that he existed, and immediately got ‘drafted’ for what they call ‘Nam’. He disappeared for a long time. I don’t know what he saw over there, but he still gets nightmares.” Skip blinked. 

“Malarkey mentioned a ‘Nam’ once.”

“Who?” Lex blinked sleepily at him. 

“....Errr, nothing. A mortal…. friend of mine. He passed away a few months ago. He stayed connected after everything that we went through.” Lex didn’t push about that. 

“Just don’t talk to Joshua about Nam, okay? We’ll get you through your own.”

“Right. Nam.” Skip tried to smile, scooting closer and turning on his side to face Lex as the witch opened the contacts case. 

“What are those things?” Lex beamed at him, clearly glad for the change of subject. 

“Little inventions Joshua got me! They make everything not blurry. It’s a curious magic.” Skip snorted. 

“So, like eyeglasses, then.” 

“I’m not sure, I’ve never tried them.”

“You really don’t know much about mortals, do you?”

“I know plenty,” Lex insisted, miffed. “I know about construction companies, and food, and how to greet them, and everything. Witches adapted quite a bit after the trials came about. We learned to fit in.” 

“The trials? Like Salem?”

“Oh, not like Salem. That was an anomaly caused by a bunch of bored girls angry with everything. The trials in Europe, in the other states, that’s what we were scared of.” 

“Were you there?”

“No. My family was, though. That’s why I don’t keep a last name.” He swallowed. “I can’t remember what it was. I was so young.” Skip frowned. 

“Who were-“

“The Church,” Lex said softly. “They came for my mothers at night. My sister. They hid me in a basket and sent me here to find Joshua. He was a family friend.” 

“So, Terri and Joshua…”

“Terri was a foundling, too. Another orphaned child of witches.” Lex smiled at him, and Skip’s stomach twisted. Since the war, he had stopped believing. He had wanted to, had wanted to believe so badly that there was a purpose to Penkala getting shredded alive by mortars, a purpose for all the deaths, regardless of which side you were on. But in the end, he had realized that there was no God where war reigned. Maybe They had left, for better or worse. Maybe They had seen the atrocities of the wars and packed Their things. Lex’s story just affirmed that God, whoever They were, had booked it quite a long time ago. Who would allow innocent people to be hurt like that? 

“Do you hate them?” He dreaded the answer, but he needed to know. 

“No. Not the people.” Lex smirked at him, grinning and flopping down against his pillow. “I’m scared of what I don’t get too.” Skip seemed to relax. So Lex didn’t blame him.

“Does Terri-“

“Skip, the only people who deserved to be punished for putting on the trials got punished for putting on the trials in the end. Hexes exist. It’s over. It’s done.” Skip nodded, moving a little closer and closing his eyes. 

“Right.” 

“You were part of the Church, right? Before you… somehow became a familiar?” The familiar nodded again. 

“Yeah.”

“You have the rosary.”

“Yep.” 

“Wrong topic again, right?”

“Uh-huh.” Lex nodded and leaned back, closing his eyes. 

“Right.” He nodded. “You want to go walk in the garden? Maybe get some early morning fruit?”

“Fruit? At this season?” 

“What do I look like, some uncreative slob? Come on, there are peaches.” Lex grabbed Skip and pulled him out of bed, laughing at the familiar’s half-hearted grumbles. “We need to cheer this conversation up. I’m not used to seeing you with no smile.” Skip felt something twitch right behind his ribs. The air of change filled his lungs. They ran out into the garden barefoot, their feet sinking into soft moss. Over to a low-hanging tree Lex sprinted, purple light kicking up under his feet and sending him into the air. The moss had pulled up, growing in tendrils and spirals below his feet and rising into the air as it grew. Lex tossed Skip a peach, perfectly ripe and fuzzy to perfection. The moss moved back down, all but the top layer dying and sinking into the soil to re-fertilize it.  The familiar bit down, humming in appreciation as sweetness flooded his mouth.

“This is so good,” he mumbled around his mouthful. Lex grinned, nodding and munching on his own. 

“Yeah, they usually are. The peaches only get gross when something bad has happened to a family member. They start rotting.” Skip nodded. He wondered if he counted as family. 

Lex seemed to be glowing in the weak morning light today as he took Skip by the wrist and led him over to the sunflowers again. 

“We aren’t taking a ride today, are we?”

“Nope,” Lex responded easily. “You didn’t seem to be a fan last time.” The familiar chuckled a little, sucking his cheeks in as the sunflowers waved and weaved themselves into a sort of house, the heads meeting for a colorful splash on top. Lex grinned, dragging Skip in. “This is where I come to think a lot.” 

“So, you’re here all the time, then?”

“Guilty as charged.” His witch was in a good mood today. He seemed a lot more snappy, more vibrant, brighter than before. Skip smiled, sitting down and blinking as a petal landed on his head, discarded from the head of one of the sunflowers. Lex smirked, pulling it down around his ears and sitting in front of him. ”You look like a little pixie. Joshua gets them in his window boxes.” 

“Why the sudden shift in mood, fella?” Skip teased. “You seem even friendlier than before.” 

“Well,” Lex fired back, “the longer I know you, the less annoying you get.” 

“Annoying, huh?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Guilty as charged.” No one really know who leaned in first. But the damage had been done. The air had changed. When the air changes, you can’t go back, everyone knows that. Lex’s mouth was soft, a little yielding, a little firm. Gentle. But Skip only got to experience it for a few seconds before the witch paled and jumped back. 

“We can’t,” Lex gasped, thinking of Livia and scrambling back to the house. Another petal fell, landing right where he had been sitting, and the familiar picked it up, looking past the two half-eaten peaches to the house, where a light turned on, then off. 

Who had kissed whom first? Skip didn’t know. He barely even had time to register what had happened. Unlike the morning in bed, they hadn’t been able to take their time. It was there and it was gone. He swallowed. Like Penkala. 

“Lex,” he shouted, getting up and sprinting as fast as he could towards the house. Someone had to fix this now, before the fragile home he had built extinguished and perished in his arms. 

 

The plants told him when it was time. No time was the best time, but there were good times to do things, and when you had a tree pushing you places, it was probably a good time. However, a good time when Lex was angry meant that your one mercy granted was that he didn’t just simply rip your head off. 

Skip walked in and figured that if there was a god, it was time to start praying. Lex was sitting with his back to the door. Vines had crawled up and over the bed, around him, over the windows, the bookshelves, everywhere, blanketing the room in green. The pot that had held the vines had burst and was lying on the floor in forlorn shards. 

“Le-“

“Stop.” Skip shot a dirty look at Petunia, who had clearly been wrong about the right time to do this.

“Lex, I’m sor-“

“No.” Skip sighed. He’d entered, there wasn’t any going back now.

“Will you let me finish a sente-“

“I won’t.” Two words. They were getting somewhere. Skip approached Lex and reached out, only to get his hand slapped away by vines. He hissed, rubbing his rapidly reddening knuckles. 

“Lex, dammit-“

“I can’t talk to you.” Lex sounded mechanical, detached even. 

“And why the devil can’t you?” An actual sentence had made it out of Skip’s mouth uninterrupted. Glory fucking hallelujah. 

“We broke the law, and-“

“Hey, fuck the law. Any law that… ah, hell, how do I say this… tells someone they can’t do somethin’ that other people can doesn’t deserve to be a law.” Lex took a deep breath, falling back onto the bed and looking up at Skip.

“I guess you’re right. You’re right. But that doesn’t stop this law from being here, and it doesn’t stop the consequences. I can’t- we can’t…” Skip bit his lip, glancing towards the vine-covered floor. 

“Someone else told me that once,” he said softly. “I survived for a decent amount of time in the 40s, and I’m pretty sure that it wasn’t the bisexuality that almost killed me.” Lex swallowed. 

“So you’re…”

“From the 40s, yeah.” Apparently, this was their come to Jesus moment. And Skip wasn’t even afraid of it. How novel. 

“And you…”

“Like men, yes. Gee, would’ve thought that was obvious.” 

“How long?”

“...Have I liked men? About a century, give or take a few years-“

“How long did you make it?” Skip swallowed. Lex still wasn’t looking at him. 

“I was 22. It was about 20 days until my 23rd birthday.”

“What happened?” Another swallow. To say that Skip was not very thrilled about talking about this was an understatement. 

“ I got blown up and my fri-...” Deep breath. “Uh…  _ lover _ saved me.”

“How’d you get blown up?”

“I was fighting a war. We were paratroopers.”

“What’s a paratrooper?” Lex rolled over and stared at him. Skip sputtered angrily for a second and then composed himself. 

“Someone who jumps out of planes and goes to fight on land.” Lex nodded sagely, letting Skip talk. “It was in this forest called the Ardennes, in Belgium. It was cold. Freezing. We were all in foxholes-... uh… holes that you dig in the ground so you don’t get shot-... uh… with these little metal pellets that people fire out of guns and kill people with… and…”

“Why don’t they just use magic?” Lex’s brows were furrowed, the problem at hand lost underneath his mind. 

“Because humans don’t have magic. We have technology things, I guess. Fancy inventions like the computer.” 

“Oh…” Lex said intelligently. “I have a computer.” 

“Oh, that’s what that was? That tiny thing with the screen?”

“And we have mobile phones!”

“Telephones.”

“Yes.”

“Mobile?” Lex nodded. “Anyway. We were in the foxholes, and a mort- sort of bomb thing, I guess, got shot into the foxhole that I was sharing with my friend, Penkala.”

“Not the lover?” Skip turned pink. 

“Noooo, that was Malarkey.” 

“Right. Malarkey.” 

“And it blew up.” 

“The foxhole?”

“The  _ bomb _ ,” Skip growled, starting to get annoyed. Lex looked sufficiently contrite and he started again. “But yes, I guess the foxhole sort of blew up too. Penkala got torn to bits, but he was standing in front of me and I was only badly wounded.” The color had seemed to have slowly drained from Lex’s face. “My… lover, he managed to get to me before I died without getting shot, directly disobeying his orders. He’d found this weird little rock in the case of bullets that he’d stolen off of a dead Nazi, thinking that it was a Luger case, and he figured it was good luck, so he slipped it in my hand to hold and I… changed.” A long, horrified pause before Lex sat up, leaning forward. He appeared rather sick to his stomach. 

“Was it a sort of purple-y color?” The question caught Skip off guard. 

“Y-... no, it was blue. Why?”

“Holy shit,” Lex said. “Holy shit.” Skip blinked. 

“What do you…”

“I didn’t even think they existed. The Yibira Stones. It would explain why your animal form is a dog, why that wouldn’t be possible with any other naturally created familiar.” 

“Yibira Stones?”

“There are only seven. Ever. You got the blue one. They turn humans into magical beings, Skip, that’s amazing…!” He paused, swallowing. “But the war…”

“We were fighting against somethin’ terrible awful, Lex.” 

“Did that make it worth it? Losing Penkala?” Lex looked up at him, genuinely curious. 

“Yes,” Skip said firmly. “He would’ve said the same. I’m positive of it. Look, Lex, I’m used to hiding that I care about people from the outside world. What’s a few more hundred years of it, right?” Lex bit the inside of his cheek.

“Thank you for telling me,” he mumbled. “About your past.” 

“Lex, you’re shutting me out again. You can trust me. Deep breaths,” Skip told him. “Tell me what’s the worst that could happen.” He smiled reassuringly. 

“I lose my magic and get kicked out of all witchtowns ever, you go to a new witch.” The smile faded. 

“What. The hell.” 

“I know, it’s dumb.” Skip realized that Lex had changed the subject again.

“You’re avoiding it.” Lex looked away. “Don’t give me that, you know you are.”

“I want to think that only humans are capable of such terrible things, but I know that isn’t true.” Lex looked at him, nothing but pain on his countenance. 

“War?”

“We’ve had them. You learn about it in school.” Lex swallowed. “I’m so sorry, Skip.” Skip let himself get pulled into a tight hug, sighing and hugging the witch back. 

“Hey, we pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps and Malarkey died of natural causes, so there’s that, huh?”

“Do you still love him?”

“Figure I always will.”

“Do you love me?” He stiffened. Lex was tense, he was trembling slightly against Skip’s chest. 

“...I think so. I definitely like you.”  

“Do you hate heights because of the war?”

“Yes.” 

“I don’t know what to do.” Lex’s voice was suddenly so very small. “My mind is a big, useless jumble of everything.” Skip nodded.

“Yeah, I know the feeling.” They sat there for a while, entangled in vines, listening to the heartbeat of the other. So little fanfare for such a difficult topic. It felt anticlimactic. In a way, Skip mused, that was probably better.  

“It’s weird,” Lex murmured. “Not being able to think clearly.”

“Really?” Skip mused. “I felt foggy for years after I moved in with Malarkey.” 

“He kept you, then.”

“Yep. Said that he’d found the dog in a box near the gas station and called me Skip to “honor my memory”.” Lex chuckled. “Still, he was shaken by the whole magic thing. Sometimes I felt like he was afraid to look at me. He always wondered why I never left the house, never even looked out the windows. I gotta tell you, Lex, I… I was scared. I still am. The future, this future, it’s big and scary and doesn’t feel like anything I know. I don’t know if I like it so much.” The mood sombered. The witch swallowed, closing his eyes.

“That sucks,” he said honestly, and Skip burst out laughing. 

“Yeah! Yeah, it really did. It really does suck.” A long pause.

“Do you want to try it?” The witch’s voice was tiny.

“Try what?” 

“Us.” Lex tensed against him again, like he had regretted saying it. Skip looked down, rubbing his back.

“I wouldn’t be opposed to it,” he replied cautiously. Something in the room seemed to relax. “How about we give it a shot, just be real careful and everything.”

“Sure. A try.” They were both lying. The air had changed. The atmosphere was shifting, and it wouldn’t go back. Skip fell back onto the vines, taking Lex with him. Plants curled up and around them, holding them together. The familiar smiled. 

“Is that you or the plants?” he teased. Lex smiled, resting his head on Skip’s chest. 

“Lil’ bit of both,” he responded, feeling lighter than he had in a long time. It was starting to sink in that maybe this could work out. Skip grinned. 

“Could I get a kiss?” 

“I don’t know,” Lex shot back, “can you?” 

“I think we’re in optimal position here.” A snicker from the witch.

“That came out dirty, you know.” 

“Lex,” Skip said exasperatedly, “I’m a respectable  _ Christian _ .” 

“Yeah, but you’re an army boy.”

“From ‘45!!” Lips met his own and Skip gasped a little as the vines cradled his neck. When they pulled away, Lex had a big, dopey smile on his face. 

“You were about to win that argument, so I figured that I’d shut you up,” he laughed, and the familiar found himself smiling back. 

“What if I was lying about the respectable part?”

“Well, then you’d almost fit my standards,” Lex stated innocently, smirking. “But I think you’re a true gentlemen. Quite chivalrous.” 

“Interesting standards for someone still trying to get away from a 100% certifiable girlfriend.” Lex blinked. 

“What, like she’s organic?” 

“No, like she’s crazy.” Lex scoffed disbelievingly and pressed a little kiss to Skip’s cheek.

“You know, I’m don’t get you sometimes, Warren Harding Muck. You’re a funny guy.”

“Says the hermit who talks to his plants.” 

“Says the familiar from the 40s who talks like he’s speaking pidgin.” 

“Pigeon? I used to think I could talk to those little things when I was a kid.” Lex thunked his head down on Skip’s chest, laughing when he got a pained ‘oof’ in response. 

“You’re a disaster,” the witch sniped playfully. 

“Fathead.”

“Moron.”

“Dip.”

“Idiot.”

“Lame-brain.”

“Goof.”

“Yuck.”

“Stupid.”

“I like you too much, you tiny, bony jerk.” Lex got kissed again. 

“I am not bony,” he said haughtily, shrieking when Skip poked him in the side.

“You are! I can feel all of your ribs.” 

“I eat eggs, they’re supposed to be healthy,” Lex snapped. Skip started roaring with laughter, head thrown back as far as it would go. 

“Oh, he eats eggs. Like that does anything.” 

“Shut up!” Lex cried, but he was laughing too. Something about Skip’s happiness was infectious. 

“Fella, I’m not a big guy and I’ve got 50 pounds on you, easy.” 

“I’m not listening, lalala…” Skip rolled them over, managing to plant his arms down on either side of Lex after freeing them from the vines. Sunlight flooded the room. Lex was practically tied to his chest, arms wrapped around him. Slowly, the ropes of plant around the room moved away, revealing the rest of Lex’s greenery. 

“Shhh.” Lex swallowed, leaning up and pressing a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth.

“No one can know, Skip.” Skip nodded. 

“Then they won’t,” he replied. The room settled. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys want to comment with the lesbian plant fan fiction you wrote for Lilean (Bean/Lily), I will accept it, print it out, and make a shrine for it.


	7. Things Are Happening Holy Shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything including this chapter and after is so fast paced Why Did I Write This

It took a while to extricate themselves from the vines, but once they had, the day took a drastic turn for the better. Terri and Joshua, who were pretty much squatters at this point, were completely baffled. They had seen Lex storm in and slam the door to his room, had heard Skip’s anguished cry, and then both of them had walked out together, beaming. 

Terri noted that there seemed to be some curious aversion to touch, but kept it to herself. It wasn’t her business. 

Days passed. Not too many, but a few. Lex and Skip became inseparable. They took walks, worked in the shop, played and cooked and created new plants, each more outrageous than the last. Skip would sit up in the night and shout some stupid combination, like “pine and forget-me-not”, and Lex would go write it down. The next day a flowering tree with sharp needles would be on display. They tended the sunflowers, the plants, the vegetables and fruits, and Skip learned their names all quickly. 

 

Skip got out of the shower first the next Wednesday, standing on his hands and letting the water drip down from his hair onto the carpet of clover and moss. Lex followed not three minutes later, buttoning up another oversized shirt. 

“You finally shaved the soul patch,” Skip teased. He had spent a lot of time on Lex’s computer lately, watching hours and hours of video. He’d made it through around fifty years of popular culture, and while quite confounded by it all, had picked up quite a bit. 

“Oh, hush,” Lex bitched, swatting his legs. “Go put a shirt on, you’re a respectable Christian.”

“What we just did wasn’t very respectable in the eyes of Christianity,” Skip said lightly. He was rather used to this thought, and had since decided that if God was real, They had definitely made Lex and Don by hand, and They had decided that love was no sin. 

“Hmmm, maybe to some. They’re getting better at the whole acceptance deal.” 

”Right, well, not in my age.” Lex laid down, kissing Skip and grinning at him.

“This is your age.” 

“No, it isn’t,” Skip murmured, standing up again and pulling Lex up against him before kissing him deeply. “But it isn’t a big deal.” 

“Liar,” Lex muttered, hands against his chest.

“You know, every time that I think that you’re going to stop being a jerk-“

“Stop waiting for that time, I’m always going to be a rude little prick and you know it,” the witch joked. Skip shook his head. 

“Sarcastic? Maybe. A prick? My Lex? I don’t think so.” Lex laughed, resting his head against Skip’s shoulder. 

 

-

 

Hubert Winfrey was having a crisis. He could see Lex and Skip standing next to each other, wrapped up in each other, teasing and bickering and loving. He had a new phone in his hand, the kind lady from Texas had helped him set it up. He had a reason to call the number typed into the speed dial section. But he found his thumb hesitating over the call button. The consequences of Lex and Skip being discovered would be shattering. The consequences of them not being discovered would be shattering. There seemed to be no solution to the Gordian Knot this time. He took a deep breath for courage, looking down and pressing the call button. He had to be selfish, for Susan’s sake. 

“Miss Aspen?”

_ “What do you have?”  _ Winfrey closed his eyes.

“Evidence,” he said softly. 

_ “Come over, I’ll burn the papers.”  _ As one weight lifted, another fell. 

 

-

 

Thursday came. Lex was flipping a rasher of hashbrowns on the stove while Skip poured milk. Billie Holiday played from the computer. Petunia was carrying food down to the living room. 

And then the door blew off its hinges. Instantly a patch of poison ivy sprung up in front of the door, and someone shouted in surprise. 

“Lex, put your home security system away, this is the police!” Terri and Joshua stumbled out of their rooms, sleepy eyed and in a panic. Terri was gripping a hairbrush. Joshua brandished a shoe. Lex looked at Skip for a long moment before letting Petunia lower him to the ground. 

“Stay up there, Skip.” The first thing he saw in his doorway was a very familiar face. His entire countenance darkened. “You.” Livia stood behind Natalie Buell, face hopeful and sad, clutching a file. 

“Hello, Lex,” she said softly, smiling at him and recoiling when Petunia shot at her face, backing off only when Lex raised his hand. 

“Put the ivy away, sir. We have a warrant.” Lex scoffed derisively, but the poison ivy parted to let them through. No use in a beef with the law enforcement. 

“Lex, we have proof that you violated the Familiarity Act-” Natalie Buell opened her letter. 

“Bullshit,” Lex said, his face of stone as his hands trembled. “I broke no law within reason.” 

“Photographic proof,” Livia said sharply, only to shy away when Petunia went for her again. 

“The consequence for the violation of this act is the removal and destruction of the violator’s magic.” Skip jumped, trusting Petunia to catch him. She did. 

“He didn’t! He didn’t do anything wrong!” He pushed Lex back, ignoring his little gasp. “I did, I… er… seduced him, or… whatever.” The familiar’s cheeks turned pink. 

“Convincing,” Livia said coldly. “But your master broke the law the second he let your advances influence him, and that’s even if your outlandish story is true. I, personally, believe that he’s manipulating you-“ Terri shouted in rage and Joshua had to grab the hairbrush to keep her from personally knocking Livia’s teeth out. 

“I’m calling bullshit, Livia, I know you,” Lex’s sister shouted. “Cut the manipulative shit and go home, no one has done anything wrong.” 

“I beg to differ,” Buell countered. “We have proof that he violated the Familiar Act, and for the sake of the familiar being manipulated, we need to take action.” Lex cried out when two officers grabbed his arms, holding him steady. Livia stepped forward, holding a strange sort of box. 

“Livia,” Lex said softly, trying to pull away. “Don’t.”

“You don’t understand me, Lex,” she murmured, running her fingers over his cheek and frowning when he turned his head away. “Maybe this’ll help.” Joshua closed his eyes as she opened the box and placed the open part over Lex’s chest. The deep booming of Lex’s magic roared through the house, and it almost drowned out the owner’s screaming. 

It felt like chainsaws were being jammed over and inside of his chest. 

Purple wisps started to fly out of Lex, emerging from his eyes, his hair, his arms, his chest, flowing into the sides of the box. Booming rattled the windows. Skip couldn’t tear his eyes away, as horrible as it was. 

Next came the plants. A long string of purple flew out of the lab, and then all of the greenery started to give it up, purple trailing from leaves, stems, flowers. 

It happened so quickly, though it felt like a lifetime. Eventually, Lex had nothing left to give, so Livia removed the box and the booming stopped. Skip caught Lex as he fell, cradling him to his chest and glaring furiously at the group of intruders, unheeded tears pricking at the corner of his eyes. 

“You’ve done what you came to do.” Joshua’s voice was heavy. “Now get out.” Livia turned on her heel and walked out, her boss and the officers behind them. The poison ivy did not part. There was no worried rustling of leaves. There was no wind, and so the plants were silent. Petunia collapsed to the floor with no tree to hold her up. Bean the mum and Lily the Wisteria sat motionless. Aster collapsed to the floor, pot broken by the impact. For a second, the only sounds were Terri weeping in anger and Lex’s heavy breathing as he tried to reorient himself. Slowly, the house shut down.

“I need a drink,” Joshua muttered. “Stiff. Maybe some pretzel sticks.” He walked through the poison ivy and out the door, grabbing his coat. Terri walked over, hugging Skip tightly and burying her face in his shoulder. 

“They can’t do that,” she hiccupped. Skip found himself crying too. Foxglove and Sage, the vegetable garden, the peach tree- all would freeze to death without Lex’s magic keeping them warm. He had lost a hundred friends in a minute and a half. Each plant had its own personality, and now all of that was gone. Lex’s eyes opened, and he looked around. 

“Lex,” Skip gasped, and Terri let out a choked little ‘hi, Lex’. Lex looked at Petunia. He looked at the rest of his plants. He got up. Skip and Terri stood with him, unsure and the tiniest bit afraid. With slow, measured steps, Lex walked to his room and slammed the door so hard that the two standing forlornly in the living room could hear it crack as it broke. Terri glanced over at Skip, who felt his heart sink into his toes. 

“Did you two have a-”

“Yes,” he muttered. “Yes, and I’ve never been sorrier for anything in my life. I’m so sick of people taking fire for me.” Lex needed time. They both knew that. “Does he do this a lot?”

“Running from his problems?” Terri sighed. “Yeah. He over-caffeinates, doesn’t sleep, and then refuses to tell everyone why he’s so grumpy. It’s a thing.” 

“I’m going to kill them,” Skip muttered. Terri pursed her lips.

“That’s premeditated murder, you know.” She paused. “Want me to hold them down?”

“Sure.” They both looked over at the door. 

“Who wants to go talk to him?” Terri asked quietly. Skip frowned. 

“Is there any way for you to save the garden outside?” Terri bit her lip, thinking.  “I could compartmentalize it, store it in one of my snow globes and take it in here.” 

“That sounds perfect! We should save the gardens first, he’ll feel a lot better if they’re safe, right?” 

“I’m not sure how he’ll feel,” Terri murmured. “But it’s worth a shot.” She grabbed two of her snow globes from the mantle and headed out into the back. Snow was already blanketing the ground, falling from the sky in large, heavy flakes. Terri held out the empty snow globe, taking a deep breath. “Come to mama,” she murmured, and a blinding light shot out of the small glass sphere, encompassing the entire garden. It died out as quickly as it came, leaving Skip blinking, stunned, watching the garden rise out of the ground and shrink as it got sucked into the snow globe. 

The peach tree left several rotting peaches, withered on the floor. 

Terri smiled, shaking the garden a little and watching snow fall onto the vibrant greenery, the landscape unchanging, frozen in time. 

“Now the front, please,” Skip murmured. “I’ll go take this to him.” Terri nodded. 

“Yeah.” 

 

“Lex?” Skip asked quietly, knocking on his door. Silence. He entered. “Lex, I have somethin’ for you.” He handed Lex the snow globe, sitting next to him. 

“Terri,” Lex muttered. He scooted away from Skip.

“Baby-”

“Please don’t,” Lex said stiffly. “Skip, we said we would be careful.”

“I’m so sorry,” Skip whispered.  “I’m so, so sorry, Lex. I never wanted anyone to hurt because of me.” The ex-witch sighed. “Was it,” Skip asked hesitantly, “was it worth it?” 

“Yes,” Lex murmured. 

“To lose all of your plants?”

“Jesus, Skip, keep talking, why don’t you? You’re making this so much better. I knew this was way too good to be true.” The pain evident in Lex’s voice was biting. Skip flinched. He had time to heal from Penkala. This was fresh. 

“Are they going to run you out of town?”

“Yes, Skip, it’s a  _ witch-town.  _ We seem to be down one witch in here,” Lex spat. Skip hung his head. “And you just made it worse for yourself by trying to be a fucking  _ martyr _ .” 

“Lex-“

“They’re going to die.” Lex looked away. “They’re going to die, I’m not going to be here to take care of them.”

“I’ll be here,” Skip offered. 

“Familiars can’t own property,” his lover said icily. “So thanks, but no thanks. You’ve done enough. Just leave, before they take you to the pound or something.”

“I’ve done enough?!” Skip exploded. “What have I done?”

“I didn’t want you here!” Lex shouted. His eyes were red and his skin blotchy. 

“Oh m- will you get over yourself for once? You wanted me, you said so! You sure as hell followed through with it. This isn’t about whether or not I arrived uninvited, this is about you and your bullshit. You push away people when you’re hurt so that they don’t get caught in the crossfire because you think that’s  _ noble  _ or whatever. When will you get it through your fat head that maybe some of us don’t care? Isn’t that what family is for? Terri and Joshua, they’re your family. I’d take a bullet for you on any given day. When are you going to pull your head out of your ass?”

“It’s your martyr complex talking,” Lex said sullenly, but it looked like he was going to start crying again. 

“You’re an emotionally constipated piece of crap,” Skip mumbled, pulling his shaking boyfriend into his arms. 

“Yeah,” Lex sniffled. “Yeah.” 

“Hey, fella, it’s okay. Buck up. We’ll fix this somehow.”

“Why? They’re right. I broke the law.”

“Hey,  _ we  _ broke the law, give me some credit. And it was a dumb law anyway.”

“Tell that to Petunia and Aster.” Skip swallowed, closing his eyes. 

“In war, there are casualties. Livia and that tall dame declared war on us. Are we giving up?” 

“Yes,” Lex said hollowly. Skip took a deep breath, cradling him in his arms. 

“It’s gonna be okay,” he murmured. “I’m going to fix this for you, okay? Just… read your poetry and make sure to… drink water. I’m going to… go.” He got up and excused himself after awkwardly pressing a kiss to Lex’s forehead.

Skip met Terri in the front, haphazardly pulling his coat around him. 

“Where do they-“

“City Hall,” she responded flatly. “Let’s go.” The last of the front garden got sucked into her snow globe and she turned, grinning. “We’ll take Lex’s bike. C’mon.”

“Wait-“ Skip said quickly. “Do you think you can- you know, you’re a… and that’s a…”

“Skippy, dear, I’m more qualified than you are when it comes to anything modern in this entire fiasco. Don’t be sexist.” Skip shut his mouth, nodding. 

“Right. Where’s the bike? We don’t have much time until they run him out of town.” Terri grabbed the familiar’s wrist, pulling him along the sidewalk until they turned into a side garage. “That’s not a bike. That’s some funny-lookin’ kind of motorcycle, right?”

“Oh, boy, are you about to have the time of your life. Put this on.” She tossed him a helmet and unhooked the ethanol pump. “Climb on.” Skip climbed on the back of the bike, with Terri gripping the handlebars. “Don’t scream too much.”

“What do you-“ Terri revved the bike and sped out of the driveway, laughing as Skip started to shriek at the top of his lungs. “WHY ARE YOU GOING SO FAST??”

“WE’RE ONLY DOING SEVENTY!” Terri shouted. 

“SEVENTY?!?” Skip screamed like a child the entire way there. They squealed to a stop in front of City Hall and Terri hopped off, leaving a loopy, dazed Skip to stumble around. 

“Let’s go, we need to find your boyfriend’s magic, don’t we?” Skip froze.

“You-“

“Skip, you literally told me.”

“Right,” Skip mumbled. “I’m still trying to get used to the whole thing.” Lex’s sister laughed, grabbing his wrist again and pulling him into the hall. 

“Livia’s office is that way,” she said, pointing to the left. “Just follow the signs.”

“You’re not coming with?” Skip asked softly. “You’re a powerful witch, I can’t-“ 

“I think one of the reasons that I’m not coming is that it’s time for you to realize that you can,” Terri said, smiling. “I’ve also got to drive Joshua home, he drove out to the bar and he’s most likely hammered.” She leaned forward, kissing Skip on the cheek. “Thanks for keeping my dumbass brother in check. Stay safe.”

“I’ll see you around, Terri,” Skip said quietly, hugging her. 

“Stay on your feet,” she teased, poking him and running out. Skip nodded, looking towards the left and heading that way. 

 

He heard voices inside of an office with a placard titled ‘Natalie Buell, Ambassador from Hale’, and slid along the wall, trying to keep from breathing too loudly. 

“So,” Livia said. “We wait a few days for him to realize how hard it is, and then give him back his magic and then we can be together, right?”

“Livia, dear,” Buell cooed. “Why wait for him? There are so many other men that are much more suited for you, ones who don’t take advantage of their familiars.” Skip gritted his teeth. Seriously, this high-and-mighty bullshit was getting annoying. He was able to make a choice about this whole thing, why was everyone determined to tell him that he couldn’t? “Wouldn’t it be much more interesting if you took it?”

“The magic?”

“Yes. Drink it down.” Livia blinked. 

“What would that do?”

“Why, my dear. It would turn you into a witch. You would get to stay in this lovely town, and Lex would be kicked out.”

“But, I-“

“Livia. He didn’t love you. He only stayed because you made him stay. As a witch, men would cling to you.” Livia stepped back, glancing nervously to the side. ”Do you love him, Livia?”

“I don’t know. I think I might, but he… he doesn’t care about me.” Skip was broiling. 

“He’s weak, Livia. The thing that you need isn’t with him. He hurt you, why shouldn’t you drink it?” Livia blinked and nodded. She unscrewed the lid. The deep bass sound filled the room, and Livia raised the jar of magic. 

Several things happened at once. Skip ran for it, sprinting into the room, grabbing the jar out of Livia’s hand and skidding on the marble floor so hard that he slammed into the wall. Buell shouted in surprise and raised her hands. Livia screamed. The booming stopped as Skip jammed the lid of the jar over the top and blinked, realizing that he had effectively trapped himself in the room with two furious people. 

“Hello,” he said awkwardly, trying to hide the jar behind his back. “What’s… uh… what’s new?”

“Give me the jar, Warren,” Buell said calmly, stretching out her hand. Skip swallowed. 

“You know, ma’am, I would really love to do that, I really would. But, see, you called me ‘Warren’, and I don’t… really use that name, so I think I’ll take this jar as a sort of… forgiveness gift, right?” Skip inched along the wall, trying to find an opening to dash through. There was none. 

“Give me the jar.” There was something deadly in Buell’s voice. “Right. Now. That’s an order.” 

“But, see, you aren’t my witch. You can’t order me around.” Skip’s mind raced. He was too big to get through that space. “But maybe if you want somethin’ that follows orders, say, a dog…?”

“Don’t you dare,” Buell warned. 

“Sounds like it’s a dog, then!” Skip yelped, dodging when Livia made a leap for the jar. He curled in on himself and closed his eyes, hearing the sound of wood crackling in a fire. It only took a second, before he darted on all fours, tail wagging, through Livia’s legs and out the door. Buell shouted in surprise and Skip slid along the corners, running for his life. He had almost made it to the door when a veil of orange light fell in front of him and he hit it as if it was a wall. 

He was trapped in the hallway, Livia and Buell advancing behind him. 

“Shift back, Skip. It’s over. Livia will become a witch one way or another.” Skip barked a few choice words, baring his teeth and snarling. Buell stopped, frowning and putting her hands on her hips. ”Darling, I’ve seen a lot of intimidating things, and that wasn’t one of them. It’s like a baby trying to gum me. Shift back.” Skip shook his head. “Shift  _ back, Warren, I won’t ask again.”  _ He wouldn’t. He couldn’t. He had the ingredient to save Lex and Petunia and Aster and all of them, he wasn’t just going to give it up for some harsh words. Buell moved forward and he barked, jumping forward and snagging the end of her sleeve with his sharp little teeth. His adversary shouted in anger, picking up one of her heels and whacking him across the head with it. Skip saw stars. 

“Maybe we should take him downstairs,” Livia suggested. “The holding room? If he won’t give it up, we have other tactics, right? And all the time we need.”

“Unfortunately, no,” Buell said angrily. “Your recluse of an ex is pivotal to this operation, and we need him gone as soon as possible.” Skip’s ears perked up. What? 

“Operation?” Livia asked. 

“I’ll tell you later. Right now, the primary focus is you becoming a witch. I can’t keep you in town on a work visa forever, and this little brat,” she shook her sleeve, “holds the key to you being able to stay here.” Livia nodded, pulling a key out of her pocket and walking to the wall of orange light.

“Natalie?” 

“Right, sorry.” The taller woman grabbed Skip by the scruff of his neck, ripping him off of her sleeve and dangling him above the ground. “If you won’t do this the nice way, Skip, we can do this the hard way.” Skip looked around, yelping and kicking his little legs. But he wouldn’t let go of the jar. Not under any circumstance. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, feel free to hate me. That’s fine. I’m fine. I didn’t cry writing this, absolutely not.


	8. All Of The Fights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is.... maybe six plot points on the little chart that I drew crammed into one chapter Rip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this entire fanfiction an argument for acceptance of gay people? Is Mister Winfrey and Susan’s relationship a metaphor for gay interracial couples? Yes, it is.

Lex wasn’t worried for maybe three hours. He sat in his room and cried for a long time, surrounded by motionless plants. After four hours, though, he went to go find Terri.

“Have you seen Skip?” he asked quietly, not meeting her eyes. 

“Not for a while now,” Terri responded, brushing her long hair over her shoulder. 

“Could you use your magic to find him?” Lex bit his lip. His voice was very soft and hoarse from crying. “Please? I’m getting nervous. He’s never gone this long.” He had lost his friends. He couldn’t lose Skip too. 

“I have conditions,” Terri said stoically, getting up and facing him. 

“Sure, whatever you want.”

“Apologize for plant Godzilla.” Terri put her hands on her hips, grinning. Lex nodded. “And confess that you’re in love with him.”

“Robert De Niro? Idina Menzel?”

“Skip, moron.” She smiled, punching him lightly. “Confess. And apologize.” Lex paled. 

“Do I have to?”

“Do you want to use my craft to find him?” The ex-witch sighed. 

“Fine. I’m sorry about pulling plant Godzilla on you, I’m…”

“Go on,” Terri prompted, shit-eating grin fully installed. Lex took a shaky breath. 

“...deeply in love with that stupid familiar…”

“And?”

“...And what?” Lex hissed. “Something’s wrong, I can feel it. Please, Terri, come on!” Terri blinked.

“Okay, okay.” She led Lex into the guest room, pulling out an easel and a canvas. Brushes were set to the side. A snow globe, devoid of landscape, was taken out of her bag and placed on her lap. Terri set her hands over it and closed her eyes. “Show me Warren Harding Muck.” The snow inside the globe began to spin, faster and faster, and with one hand on it, Terri began to paint. Faster and faster and faster, until she was just a blur, brushes swishing over canvas the only sound in the room. Lex stood back and watched as a figure took shape. Eventually, she started to slow down, and the snow globe broke, the charred remains of the snow whisking past the glass and out the window. 

Unfinished, on the canvas, sat Skip Muck. He had his knees pulled to his chest. One eye was blackened, and a thick metal collar lay around his throat, a chain connecting it to the wall. Next to him lay a golden retriever puppy, curled up. The human Skip held a purple jar. Terri’s eyes widened. 

“He got your magic,” she gasped. “He’s got it!” Lex pursed his lips. 

“He doesn’t look like he’s in a great situation.”

“I would say no as well,” Terri said tentatively. “He’s in familiar form. He got caught.”

“By who? How does he even have my magic?” Lex demanded. “What does this all mean?” Terri gulped, avoiding his eyes. 

“I took him to City Hall to find your magic,” she said guiltily. Lex’s eyebrows furrowed. 

“But the only people who initially took my magic were… Livia and Buell.” His eyes widened and he grabbed his coat from the Ever-Appearing Hanger, sprinting out of the room.

“Lex? What are you doing?” Terri already knew, but she asked anyway. 

“I’m going to get my stupid hero of a dog,” Lex hollered, grabbing his helmet and hopping on his bike. Terri ran after him.

“Lex, just don’t be an idiot, okay? Stay safe. I’ll be right behind you.” Lex flipped the visor on his helmet down and revved the bike. 

“Thanks, sis. See you on the other side.” He sped out. Terri watched him for a second before sprinting inside the house. Joshua jogged out in the hideous rainbow pants, holding a long, thin object wrapped in black and white checkered paper. 

“Hey, anyone want a churro…? Where’s that little pest going so quickly?” Terri grinned, crossing her arms. 

“We’ll tell you the whole story later.” 

 

Lex parked the bike in front of City Hall, running inside and running smack dab into Mayor Quinn. The older man frowned, 

“Lex, where are you going in such a hurry?” Lex gulped. 

“Mayor Quinn, is it possible that any rooms in City Hall might contain… say… cages of some sort?” Quinn’s eyebrows raised slowly. 

“Cages?”

“Please,” Lex said breathlessly. “It’s very urgent.” 

“There are some cages in the basement of the Turret, it’s where we keep unregistered non-magic livestock to check for gnomes or pixies or such. You know the plague of pixies is bad enough where your father lives, there’s no use bringing it here on chickens-”

“Thank you,” the ex-witch gasped, sprinting past him and looking along the swooping marble halls, large tapestries, and flying buttresses for a map. One was tacked to the corkboard in front of the Appointments office, and he scanned it frantically. The Turret, The Turret… there it was! He bit his lip, dashing along the halls and corridors after snatching up the map. Eventually, a flight of stairs that appeared to be leading into the depths of Hell came into view, and he took them five at a time, jumping down and holding onto the rail to make sure he didn’t slip. The stairs gradually turned to concrete, and grew damp and clammy. Patches of moss littered the walls, and the smell of mildew made Lex gag. He was one corridor away, the cage was just barely in view- 

The ex-witch froze at the bottom of the stairs. He could hear two voices traveling his way, accompanied by heavy steps. 

“Why were we put down here again?” 

“Top-secret. Bureaucratic stuff, all that.”

“Can’t imagine any top officials down here,” a third voice muttered. “This place stinks.”

“Tell me about it.” Lex waited until they had turned a corner before creeping out and running at full tilt towards the cage. He could see a little dirty lump of fur curled up in the corner. 

“Skippy,” he hissed. “Skip!” The puppy looked up. Lex’s familiar ran for the bars, heavy metal collar around his neck, tail wagging. “Skip, you’re okay.” A puff of blue smoke made Lex hold in a cough, and then a filthy hand closed over his own on the bars. 

“Never been better, fella,” Skip croaked around the collar, grinning at him. His eye was blackened. Bruises littered his collarbone and shoulders, and they didn’t look like the fun sort. 

“Skip,” Lex murmured softly, reaching through the bars for him, but Skip shook his head. 

“Trust me, I’ve had it worse. Take this.” He pushed the jar into Lex’s hand. “Take this, and go get ‘em.”

“Oh, shut up with the theatrics. What did they do?” Skip coughed a little, holding his nose. 

“Christ Almighty, it smells in here. The tall dame loves kicking when she gets mad, and I’m much more fragile as a puppy. It looks worse than it is, don’t worry!” 

“I’m worrying,” Lex muttered. 

“Just take the magic, Lex, before Livia does.”

“What?!” 

“Buell convinced her to try to take it, to, uh… to permanently kick you out.”

“But Livia can’t take witch’s magic, she’s mortal, it’ll kill her!” Lex ran his finger along the edge of the lid. Skip shrugged. 

“Buell doesn’t seem to mind, she’s tying up loose ends,” he murmured. “Hurry the hell up, we haven’t got much time.” Lex nodded, unscrewing the lid of the jar and watching as two large, thin wisps of purple magic made their way out of the jar, pulsing to the beat of Lex’s heart. They circled and lazed about for a while before finding their target and diving in towards it. A single thunderclap filled the room as they sank into his chest. Lex gasped and wheezed, keeling over and clutching at the area right above his heart. “Lexie,” Skip said worriedly. “Lex, are you alright?”

“Peachy,” Lex choked, rolling over so he was on his hands and knees on the cold, clammy floor and coughing a little. The area behind his eye sockets was strangely aching. “Oh, wow, that feels weird.” He blearily looked over to the side and his eyes lit up in thrill. Reaching out a shaking hand, Lex picked a bit of moss off of a crack in the cement, sitting back on his heels even as his body shuddered from the strain it was under. “Okay, love, we’re getting you out of here. C’mon.” Skip glanced pointedly at the moss. 

“You using the ‘power of nature’ or whatever? Sing a little Kumbaya, pull out the guitar?” The witch rolled his eyes. 

“Cute. Watch and learn, genius.” He shoved the moss into the keyhole of the cage and placed his hands over it, closing his eyes, and exhaling. It felt harder to call up his magic now, but Lex coaxed it up and into his fingers. 

“Lex,” Skip whispered. He sounded scared. “Lex, baby, open your eyes.” His witch did so, looking at his hands and stifling a shriek. The veins in his hand and wrist were glowing. Purple. 

“Wow,” he squeaked, “that’s not very natural.” 

“Yeah,” Skip muttered, looking down at them. “No kidding.” Lex gasped as the glow intensified, and then it started to spread to the moss. That part was common, at least- but for  _ him  _ to be glowing… that never had happened before. There was a beat where nothing happened, and Lex and Skip took the liberty to glance at each other in doubt, and then the lock fucking  _ exploded,  _ the strain of the expanding moss too much for it to bear _.  _ They both sat there, looking at the massive clump of moss, and then the door slowly swung open with a creak that reminded Lex vaguely of a Honking Lily taking its final, shuddering breath. 

“Come on, maybe this’ll work on that special collar of yours,” Lex said lightly. 

“No thanks, I like my face a little too much for that.” Skip shied away from the next clump. His rationale included the fact that his boyfriend had a nasty looking cut on his cheek from the shrapnel, and he had been sitting an arm’s length away from the whole affair. Skip wasn’t thrilled about having that right next to his windpipe. 

“Come on, trust me here,” Lex needled, shooting Skip an award-winning shy smile. 

“You’re completely bonkers.” 

“Potentially.”

“I’m going to die.” Lex considered it. 

“Meh.” 

“Meh??!!” Skip exclaimed. “You’re going to blow somethin’ up right below my face and the only comfort I get is  _ that?”  _ Lex sighed. 

“Just trust me, Skip. I love that face too much to get it all ruined.” Skip bit his lip and pouted. 

“Whatever, just get me out of this dumb thing.” Lex crawled into the filthy little cage, pinching a bit of moss up and carefully placing it in the lock. His veins lit up again as magic traveled through him and into the plant. 

“Don’t move, Skip.” Skip closed his eyes. 

“I’m feeling super reassured about this, just so you know.” 

“Duly noted. Shut up.” There was a cracking and a dull thunking as the collar fell away, and Skip rubbed his neck gingerly. 

“No explosion.” 

“Controlled flow of magic,” Lex retorted. “I don’t know what they did to it, but it’s different.” The familiar nodded. 

“How ‘bout we kiss off?” The witch grinned, leaning forward and pecking him on the lips in response. 

“If whatever that means involves getting out of this godforsaken basement, I’m game,” his witch muttered sourly, and Skip stood up, taking Lex’s hand and helping him to his feet. 

 

Natalie Buell sat at her desk in the airy, bright, wide-open East Gable of City Hall, peering into a bowl of water situated on her lovely maplewood and silver desk. This wasn’t an entirely uncommon occurrence, she did like to spy on people from time to time. The scrying bowl switched visuals- from Livia working on papers to secure custody of Skip to Natalie, to pictures of that old man with the cats sitting in his wicker chair staring sadly over at the blue house, to a picture of an empty cell. 

An empty cell. 

Wait. 

...Shit. 

Natalie bolted out of her chair, slamming her hand down on the pager so hard that it created a dent in her quite lovely, quite expensive desk. “Send your best down to the Containment chambers,” she snapped, “we have a dangerous criminal on the loose.” And Lex was dangerous. When properly motivated, anyone could be dangerous. 

 

Lex felt dangerous. Something was singing in his veins, and it felt good. Weirdly good. Like he was high. He caught Skip’s arm and dragged him into one of the side nooks when they heard steps. 

The basement of the Turret was a circular tunnel with no beginning or end. For some reason, the architect had failed to notice that if one cleared out the center of the basement, one would have more storage room. Architects, however, tended to be faulty. Especially if they were witches. There was one flight of stairs leading to freedom, and several nooks carved into the walls about three persons deep and two persons wide, roughly hewn, like someone had finally snapped about the lousy architecture and had just taken an ax to the wall. Most of them were filled with storage, but for one reason or another, the one in which our heroes occupied only contained a pathetic little cage with a solitary louse in it. They, however, had no time to waste and none of the usual questions for the louse. There were many heavy footsteps. Many voices. The clankings of containment crystals. The smell of purifying herbs. 

The Guard had arrived. Lex squeezed his eyes shut, gritting his teeth. They couldn’t make a sound. Skip pulled him back further, back into the shadows. One set of footsteps. Two. Three. As many as six. 

They were, to put it eloquently, exquisitely fucked. Skip slid his heel back to move them farther back, and it hit the cage, which hit the wall, which let out this awful screeching sound as it ground against the cement. Lex looked back at him, gulping. 

“Hey, what was that?” 

Footsteps neared and Lex reached across the wall. A straggling weed had managed to claw its way into the desolate wall and sprout. He pulled it out, cradling it in his palm and inhaling. This would have to be timed perfectly. 

The steps got nearer. 

Nearer. 

Lex’s heart beat like a rabbit in its cage, jumping all over the place. 

A shadow fell across the wall. Skip tucked his thumbs inside his fists, ready for a brawl.

“Marty, hey, come over and check this out. Look at the door.” The renegade witch took a deep breath. His hands were shaking. 

The guard had a pretty boring job. She didn’t really care for creativity, preferring discipline, and in a town where everything was unnatural to everyone, this was the pinnacle of security in a job she could possibly land. Imagine her surprise at turning her head and seeing two men hiding in the nook, one horribly bruised, the other sporting a pair of glowing hands and a tiny, shriveled weed. 

“Marty,” she hissed, and that’s all the speaking she got out, because the one with the glowing peepers tossed the plant to the floor, and then she was being carried up into the air, a large stalk supporting her. She heard a loud crack, and then the world went dark. 

The rest of the guard stared blankly at the monstrous plant that had just thrown one of their finest into the opposite wall. 

“What the hell,” one of them muttered in a small voice. Lex walked out of the nook, glowing fists raised, every vein highlighted in lavender. “What the HELL,” the same person said louder, getting promptly trucked by Skip and shoved into a bunch of shipping crates. The remaining four or so raised their knives and started to chant, a circle of fragmented light starting to form around Lex, who raised his hands and started to chant right back at them. “PUGNARE MECUM,” he shouted, “DETESTABILIS NOTHI!” There was a long silence. 

“That’s not a spell,” one of the guards muttered. Lex grinned. Skip dug through the wreckage of the broken crates, finding nothing but flimsy boards until he came across a lacrosse stick.

“Yeah, I took Latin in high school.” Lex’s new leafy friend struck again as Skip bludgeoned a guard over the head with the end of the lacrosse stick. It bent the stick nearly in half, but did well to drop the guard. Out of the corner of his eye, the familiar saw two screaming people being lifted into the air and knocked together. Neither of them looked like Lex, so that was a positive, at least. The last guard stood, stammering in terror, until Skip clocked him in the face and he went down. 

“Well,” he said into the silent room. It felt like a conclusion. 

“What was that?!” The witch seemed to be having a breakdown. He looked over at the dropped guards. “Did I do that?”

“Yeah,” Skip said rather lamely, unable to find an adequate answer. He took Lex’s hand, frowning. “You helped fight them. You saved us.” He had seen this before, in the new soldiers. The panic at the fact that they had actually hurt people. “They’re gonna be fine.”

“But I helped hurt them,” Lex squeaked. Skip opted for a full hug.

“You did. But they were gonna hurt us. They were going to take you away from me and everything.” 

“But they’re hurt.” His lover’s breath stuttered. “I’ve never really hurt someone like that.” 

“Well, you did do a number on me with Petunia.” That got a tiny laugh and Skip smiled. They were on the right track.

“It still isn’t the same, you know? They’re all concussed pretty badly.”

“But we had to do that. We couldn’t have made it out without them trapping you. And this is a town full of witches. They’ll be right as rain in no time at all, I’m sure of it.” Lex nodded, wiping his hands on his pants like they were dirty and hugging him back. Skip noticed that the glow had traveled from his hand and up to his neck, glowing through his too-big shirt. 

“Yeah,” he responded. They didn’t need to say anything more about it. The witch pulled a blue paper from his back pocket, unfolding it and looking it over. “Buell’s office is in the East Gable. There’s a way there that might get us past any guards.” Skip nodded. 

“So we’re taking her out?” 

“She’s still got that awful contraption, we need to take that at the very least.” They took a second to breathe, Lex wrapped in Skip’s arms as they tried to ground themselves. “I’m so sorry that I’m dragging you into this.”

“Baby, don’t you dare say that.”

“You don’t deserve this,” Lex told him. 

“It’ll be better after all this is through, you know that. We’ll make it through and get married and live in your house.” Skip looked down and smiled, tilting Lex’s chin up. “We can go get root beer floats and talk with Susan and Mr. Winfrey. We have a future, and the future is definitely something that I’m willing to fight for.” 

“I’m an asshole,” Lex said softly. “You’re the exact opposite.” 

“There’s good in there, you know. Stop being so hard on yourself.”

“I haven’t had any coffee.” 

“Oh, so that’s why you’re throwing people into walls.” Lex laughed and Skip’s heart warmed. 

“I’ll fight for you, and my right to lattes.” The familiar chuckled and they headed for the sunlight. 

Their path to Buell’s office took them along a unused corridor, the entrance of which went through a tapestry that was really only illusion. The City Hall, older than any other building in the town, had been built around the time of the European renaissance by elders that had lived here. Built of pure magic, the Hall had shifted into whatever its current occupier liked the best. Quinn, who had witnessed the last of the magic extinguish, had preferred large, marble castles. And so like this it would remain, most likely for the rest of eternity. 

Lex didn’t really have time to reflect on his surroundings at the moment, unlike the narrator. He had a job to do. Down the tunnel they wound, the only light in the place emitted from Lex’s glowing body. Past old pictures they walked, winding and fumbling for what seemed like forever until they hit a door. It wasn’t locked. Skip reached out and turned the knob, and that was when they heard voices. 

“...so foolish of me, holding it out like that, and now he has it…”

“It’s dreadful, Nat, really. I’m so sorry for my hesitation.” Lex looked back over at Skip. they knew those voices. Far away, sure, and muffled, but distinct. The witch threw the door open, looking down the hall that led to the East Gable office. Buell’s office. He strode forward, grasping the handle and pulling. It didn’t even rattle. 

“Show me,” he whispered, his hands lighting up a little brighter, and circles of script appeared over the handle, their orange letters circling lazily. 

  
  
  
  


“Shit,” Lex muttered, his finger tracing the room. “She’s bound them both in the room and us out.” Skip frowned, looking down at them. 

“Can you get past it?” The witch shook his head. 

“I work in earth magic, not arcana,” he whispered. “I could do the best I could, I could rip down this whole hallway, and this door would stay locked. The only thing I can do is make the mechanics of the spell show, and I just did that. We’re screwed.” Skip’s frown deepened, and his nose scrunched up a little. 

“I wonder if I…” He touched his finger to the glowing circles, exhaling and trying to calm himself down. “I could…” The orange blazed and he yelped, pulling his hand back. Lex froze. 

“Fuck, are you okay?”

“Nat? What was that?” 

“Oh, our two favorite felons trying to break in. Don’t worry, I warded the door.” Skip’s eyes widened and he poked Lex, who was about one more failure away from slamming his head into the wall until he concussed himself. 

“Lex,” the familiar whispered. Lex turned around, his mouth falling open. Two circles of the wards were already gone, and the third was steadily dissolving. 

“What the everloving  _ hell  _ is that?” Skip shrugged. 

“I just touched it…” he mumbled, biting his lip awkwardly. “I don’t know what happened.” Lex watched another ring dissolve and beamed, leaning up on his toes and kissing Skip in excitement. The familiar blushed, beaming. 

“Whatever you did, I think it’s working.” Lex leaned over, looking at the magic dissolve. The door handle was almost free. 

Buell leaned back in her chair. “They can’t get in here, Livia, the guard will get them eventually. Don’t worry.” 

The door burst open. “NATALIE BUELL,” Lex shouted, squaring his shoulders and puffing up his chest. He failed at any kind of intimidation, but in these moments, it was really the effort that counted. Buell sipped her tea, nodding at him.

“Lex,” she said politely, looking up. “Can I help you?” 

“We want your machine,” Skip said brazenly, stepping up next to Lex. Buell’s face tightened. 

“You can’t have it.” Livia looked at her. 

“Nat, he’s-”

“I know,” Buell growled. “I know, I can see.” Glowing lilac veins were slowly making their way up Lex’s face. She stood up, drawing a long, sheathed dagger from under her desk. “I will  _ not _ give it to you, Lex.”

“We aren’t going to let you hurt anyone else.” A twisted smile made its way over Buell’s face and she flicked the knife, sending the sheath to the side. 

“Good to know. I’ll take that into account when I’m waving you out of town.” Skip looked over at his witch, swallowing. Lex pursed his lips, looking around. Not a plant in sight. “So you’ve noticed,” Buell said lightly. “I dropped my potted plant out the window-- I know your limits. You can’t bring such a small plant all the way up here.” Lex gritted his teeth. 

“Maybe not,” he murmured, lifting his chin. “But you’re outnumbered.”

“A familiar and a witch out of his habitat? No, I’m not.” Buell grinned, flicking the tip of the knife. A glowing line appeared in the air, fizzing and spitting like it was electric. She quickly traced lines around it until a large symbol was hovering in front of her. Lex shouted when he realized what it was, pushing Skip out of the way as the other witch stabbed the center, sending a shockwave around the room. Lex looked up, orange manacles superimposed over his wrists. Skip sat up, rubbing his head and grunting in pain. He looked over at Lex, his eyes going large.

“What do I do?” he whispered. Lex shrugged helplessly, glowing veins crawling steadily up his neck.

“Keep her distracted, okay? I’ll find the box.” He stood up, edging along the wall. Buell sent another shockwave out and the witch cringed, waiting for more restraint. But it never came. Lex opened his eyes, staring nervously at the scene and then just outright gaping. Skip had his hand around the hilt of the knife. Blue energy rolled off of him, and he was staring right into Buell’s eyes. There was a long silence. 

“What do I do?” Skip called. Lex sputtered. 

“What do you think?” Skip looked back at him. 

“You don’t hit girls, you silly-” His witch shouted as Buell’s fist came down on his familiar’s face, knocking him back. 

“Welcome to 2018,” Lex told him, running for the desk and trying to open it, turning around when he heard a noise and coming face to face with Livia. The veins had reached the very tip of his lower eyelid. 

“Lex,” she said softly. “Why are you doing this?” Lex swallowed. 

“I’m not going to pretend that I was perfect,” he told her as the sounds of Skip and Buell duking it out echoed in the large, minimalistic room. “I’m not going to pretend that I was worth your time, or whatever, or that I didn’t immerse myself in my job sometimes. But this isn’t healthy, and you’ve started putting people I care about in danger.” 

“Lex, stop trying to be a hero here. You’re not.”

“I know,” Lex said, noticing the small metal box cradled in one of her palms. “Trust me, I get it. But if I get kicked out, Skip is left without a home again. And he makes me want to be better.” Livia swallowed, her shoulders slumping. 

“You really do love him,” she whispered. Lex nodded. 

“Without a doubt.” His ex swallowed again, holding up the box. It was pure silver, with small circles of runes decorating each corner. It glinted faintly in the sun coming through the gable window. 

“It was good while it lasted, right?” She smiled at him. Lex wanted to feel bad. He wanted to feel that same stab of guilt that he always did.  _ 100% certifiable.  _ He remembered the late nights of screaming, Livia’s broken dish set that she had thrown at him. 

“No,” he said told her, grabbing the box and setting it on the desk. Livia stiffened as Lex grabbed a stapler (witches weren’t all-purpose, as the reader must obviously know) and smashed it over the box, shattering it. The box started to shimmer with a strange-looking field, like ripples off of a hot car in summer, as the pieces melted like mercury, running for the edge of the desk and dripping off. Holes burned into the carpet. Lex gasped as the strange field of hot air swallowed him whole, blurring and obscuring him. Buell turned around from where she was grappling with Skip and shrieked, running for the place where Lex had vaguely been with the dagger in her hand. Skip cried out, grabbing for her wrist. 

Lex stepped out of the shimmering mass of air. The irises and whites of his eyes had been swallowed by the same ethereal purple that was still in his veins. His pupils were glowing white. He had never looked less human. The dagger shattered in Buell’s hand as its power waned.

“Funny thing,” he told her. “When you get your magic ripped out, turns out that it’s not thrilled with that.” A massive flower appeared over the window, blocking out the light. Roots burst up through the floor, wrapping around Buell’s ankles. She shouted angrily, starting to rip them away. Lex blinked as his eyes returned to normal and his veins faded. He collapsed. 

The door burst open. Terri strode in, flanked by Mayor Quinn and what had to be at least half of the Guard, Joshua walking in the back, dressed very sharply. Buell stopped in her tracks, glaring at Quinn. She was still holding the dagger hilt. 

“As many times as I would have liked to stab Lex in the face, I’d prefer that it was me and not you doing the deed,” Terri said dryly, quirking an eyebrow. Skip slumped in relief.

“Thank god,” he whispered, sitting up and groaning a little. 

“What are you doing?!” Buell shouted. “They’re the criminals, why aren’t you arresting them?”

“The only one who believes that their love is truly a crime is you, Miss Buell, and not for any righteous reason,” Mayor Quinn said calmly. “Miss Lowell?”

“You’re under arrest for terrorism, bribery, assault, and about seven other things,” Terri said. “Livia, it’s probably best if you go pack your bags. It’s over, we’re seeing you off tomorrow.” Livia opened her mouth and Terri sighed. “Please, don’t make this any more painful than it has to be.” The mortal closed her mouth and walked past the Guard, sparing one last glance at Lex, who was being cradled by Skip. 

“Are you okay?” he asked in a thin voice, grasping onto Skip’s arms and pulling him close.

“I’ve had worse,” Skip mumbled, trying to wave him off and only succeeding in making him cling more.

“You’re sure? Because you do have those bruises from Buell beforehand, and now you’ve got more bruises from Buell now...”

“I’ve fought in worse places than a nice office with a killer view.” Lex paused.

“...Fair.”

“Get them to the hospital, please, Lex,” Quinn said softly. “All of this will be explained in due time.” Two witches in the Guard moved forward, helping them up. 

“Yes, sir.” Lex kept fussing over his familiar the whole way out, despite Skip’s weary assurances that it looked much worse than it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @Alex this is your chance to draw me human Petunia, Lily, Aster, Bean, and Zinnia
> 
> (I get that you’re busy dude take a break sometimes Ily)


	9. Ding Dong, the Bitch Got Run Out of Town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bye Livia bitch we won’t miss u mwah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In all honesty, fuck Hale for producing Natalie Buell

“Hale is dying?” Lex asked disbelievingly, hand on Skip’s shoulder. They were in the hospital. Lex was sitting on a chair. The hospital staff hadn’t been able to find anything wrong with him, but Skip, on the other hand, was the focus of attention at the moment. They would be released in maybe five minutes. His chest had been a map of bruises when they had opened his shirt, and despite the familiar’s blushing and shyness, the doctor decided that Magic Balm it was, and she was applying it herself. The other competent doctor was dealing with a cauldron explosion in the other hall, and the nurses were all on break. 

“Yes,” Quinn told him. “It is. Quite rapidly, as well. Their government is dealing with high-level corruption- the higher officials have been taking it all for their own, slowly leeching it out of the population. Natalie Buell, their ambassador to this town, stole one of their devices and came here, fully intending to situate herself in a place of power and drain it away slowly, so the people of her town wouldn’t turn mortal. She dug up some old bad decisions of mine and used them against me so I would restrict freedoms, making most of them punishable by loss of magic.”

“But why were we a target?” Lex looked up at him, swallowing. “Why us?”

“Think about it, Lex. You’re right between a powerful Clairvoyant and his familiar and the heads of the largest coven to ever exist. If Buell could set up base in your house, it would be more than easy for her to drain that all away. Plus, she had an in with Livia.” Skip nodded slowly.

“I just want to know- was my meeting with Lexie here staged? Did she somehow plan that?” He looked over at Lex, taking his hand. 

“I don’t believe so,” Quinn told him. “I think that may have been a mere coincidence. However, it couldn’t have worked more in her favor. She had it all planned out until you stopped her.”

“So is the act going to be repealed, sir?” Lex tried not to sound too hopeful and failed. 

“Of course. She isn’t moving the strings of this town anymore,” Quinn said, shooting a rare smile at the couple. “I felt it my obligation to tell you that the only reason that Buell was able to get her hands on photographs of you two was because of Livia working under her influence. She blackmailed Winfrey into doing it.” Lex sat back, stunned.

“Sir, I-”

“You mustn’t be angry at him, he was trying to protect Susan. What would you do for Skip?” Lex swallowed.

“Anything.”

“So you understand.” Skip looked over at him, gently putting his hand over Lex’s. 

“I do,” Lex said in a hushed voice, his eyes turning back to his familiar. Quinn smiled, getting up and patting Skip on the back.

“Rest well and heal, Mr. Muck.”

“Thank you, sir,” Skip replied, nodding respectfully. 

“Take care of Lex, now.”

“I will, sir.”

“And you take care of Skip.” Lex nodded.

“Of course.” Quinn merely smiled and made his departure. 

 

Livia looked at the Greyhound and back at Terri.

“He isn’t coming, is he?” Terri sighed. 

“No,” she murmured. “No, he isn’t. Really, Livia, you need to let him go.” Livia sighed, looking up at the sky. It was overcast today, and the hats and scarves had come out. “I’d like to say that I’d miss you, but-“

“Our friendship went a little sour after I started dating your brother.” Terri nodded. 

“Yep,” she said, a little stiffly. “You’ll figure it out, though.” 

“Will you forgive me?” Livia looked at him. 

“I don’t know. I know that Lex probably won’t. You really tore him up.”

“I’ve had time to think,” Livia murmured. “Being exiled is probably the best punishment for letting myself being led on by Nat.” Terri nodded again. Livia opened her arms, turning to the witch. Her face fell when Terri stood stock still. “Probably deserve that too. I’ll see you, Terri.” The mortal loaded up her bags and got in. The doors closed, and the bus drove away. Terri watched as it disappeared, taking a deep breath, jamming her hands in her pockets and walking away. It was justice, or seemed like it, but she remembered when Livia had seemed perfectly normal. It was a little too clear in her mind for her to feel no remorse. Maybe it all had been a facade, but at this point it was over and done. 

Didn’t mean that she wasn’t going to dwell. Terri pulled her felt coat a little tighter around her and shivered as something made a rather disturbing gurgling noise in her pocket. She pulled out a snow globe. 

“Terri!” A beaming face appeared inside of it. 

“Stiles, hey.” Terri grinned, her heart warming a little. “Sorry I’ve stayed away so long, it’s just you won’t believe what happened-“

“Should I get the car or the broom?” She considered it.

“Broom.”

“We’re camping out at the Brain’s, huh?”

“We are.”

“So, what was this new thing that kept you away for so long? Did Lex actually unleash Plant Godzilla on the city?”

“Well, he certainly unleashed a potted plant. See, there was this ambassador-“ She walked out into the chilly night, hair blowing all over in the wind as the lanterns hanging from nothing on either side of the street bobbed and slowly lit with ghostly fire. 

 

“Okay, okay, okay,” Lex giggled, taking another shot and standing up. Stiles had arrived an hour later, and now they had all decided to get hammered. Lex had dug up a gramophone and a Bluetooth Speaker, and now bright and sharp electric swing was filling every corner of the house. Joshua was still fully coherent, despite having drunk far more than they had, and had pulled out his wand, a bright yellow tendril curling around it lazily. “Skip, Skip, c’mere.” 

The second that Lex had set foot in the house, his magic had traveled up the walls, curling through the air. Aster had climbed to his feet. Lily had shaken herself. Petunia had straightened up, stretching all of her branches and settling in with a rather miffed whipping of her smaller branches. The other plants had started to rustle, slowly coming back to the house that Lex had know. Barriers stretched around the property, shielding the house from the cold and from invasive breakouts. Terri had smiled, handing the two globes to Lex and walking with him and Skip out to the front and back. 

The peaches on the peach tree had never looked more delicious. The pool beneath them had melted, and Skip walked over, pulling one off and thanking the tree before walking back. The front garden fared even better, evergreen trees stretching up to the sky, the lines of neat bushes that starkly contrasted the disorder of the house growing up and blooming again. Lex had looked back at his loved ones, Joshua and Stiles walking up to them, and smiled. 

“Let’s get really fucking drunk,” he had said, and they were currently doing just that. Stiles was sprawled over the sofa, giggling, Joshua was sitting and eating what looked to be an entire ham that appeared out of nowhere, the yellow wisp having bored him, and Terri and Skip were dancing on the carpet of soft green moss. Lex, who had been dangling off of Petunia and playing patty-cake with Aster, now was stumbling onto the floor, extending his hand. “Teach me to dance!” 

“What kind?” Skip asked, stumbling a little and taking Lex’s hand. 

“The funny kind that you do, the jumpy foot thing, the uhhhhhh…”

“Swing! Swing! I can teach you swing. Here, come step here, give me another tiny cup. So you hold onto my hand like this, an’ you do this yep, and we just do it a lot an’ I flip you all over the place because I do that. Ohh… Terri, it spilled.”

“But why the flips?”

“Because I do it, meatball, come and dance.” A new song started and while Lex, admittedly, did his best, he did end up stepping on Skip’s toes a lot, and this was at arm’s length. Terri keeled over laughing at one point, and although the moss gently righted her, she was still bent over giggling at Lex’s terrible attempts for the rest of the night. 


	10. We Won’t Pick a Name Like “Epilogue” so Now it Sounds Like a Fall Out Boy Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck da Poh-leese

_ And that’s how it went, dear reader. Or at least, that’s how I remember. There was no happily ever after, there are no such things in real life. But we were indeed happy, even though the ever after part remains debatable.  _

_ Skip and I got married after five years of being wrapped in one another. We stayed married, too, no easy feat in this day and age.  _

_ I won’t take much more of your time, I know that I felt the inexplicable need to overextend myself on this. I believe that Mayor Quinn asked for a three page summary. Regardless, the story of the Hale Scandal is one that is very important in our history, and yours as well.  _

_ Skip is now pulling at my sleeve and asking for a ride to go see Malarkey- he goes every other Thursday. We’re working through his Nam, we’ll figure it out eventually.  _

_ And as for me? I’ve got my husband and my plants. I get up in the morning and have coffee, and a cup of tea and Oscar Wilde before bed. Skip and I work in the shop. The Petal wives brought us something resembling a horse skull this morning, stuffed with rosemary, and I’m assuming it was an invitation of friendship. Then again, it could also be a deadly arcane curse. You can never tell with the Petal wives. It was definitely something, I’m just not quite sure what. Anyway, it’s as close to a happily ever after as I’m going to get.  _

_ Hubert Winfrey is still alive and kicking- Skip went over and made coffee cake with him again this morning. They seem to do that a lot.  _

_ Anyway, I’m going to drive Skip to the river where Malarkey’s tree is growing. I suppose that’s all, dear reader. Good-bye, and don’t forget to greet your plants. They can hear you, and they care.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art is in the chapters after this, if y’all sleep on these artists I swear to god I will manifest in your home and pour all of your vinegar into your milk have fun tryna make cheese outta that


	11. Lyselkatz’s art

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HI QUICK NOTE I OWE THESE PEOPLE MY LIFE

[View more here ](Lyselkatz.tumblr.com)

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> G (This was not an accident)


	12. Thedogsled’s art

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FUCKING WOW GFJGJDJGDJF

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do the thing. Visit the page. If you’ve got bread, donate to these artists. If you don’t got bread, tell them nice things.

[View more here ](Thedogsled.tumblr.com)

 

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know how many megaphone emojis I have to put out before y’all start the comment train, but even if it’s literally just a key smash, I will love you until the end of time.


End file.
